I am lame.

Here is an email that got passed around work that is pretty spot on. Hope you enjoy.

Random Thoughts



-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.



-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.



-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch orphone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.



-That's enough, Nickelback.



-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.



-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?



-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.



-There is a great need for sarcasm font.



-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.



-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.



- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.



-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.



- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.



- Was learning cursive really necessary?



- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".



- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.



- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".



- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?



- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!



- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"



- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.



- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.



- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.



- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.



- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman.

Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."



-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.



- Bad decisions make good stories.



-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!



-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.



-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....



-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.



-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.



-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.



-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.



- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.



-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?



- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.



-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.



-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.



-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...



- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.



-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.



-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.



-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.



-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...



-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?



-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.



-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.



-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Away We Go

So Lacey already posted about the "500 days of Summer" that I want to see so I will do a shout out for another movie.



This looks pretty good to me because its produced by Focus Features who does all the good independent films and it has John Krasinski (from the Office) and Maya Rudolph (SNL) in it. The music featured in the trailer is Alex Murdoch who I randomly purchased while in college at Hastings and I highly recommend his CD. Lame post. Sorry

Laptop is back.

This should be good for my blogging. I expect blogging to pick up speed. Thanks DAD!

California's rebuttal:

Debate: California vs. rest of the country

The rest of the country opens the debate with:




California's rebuttal to follow

Don't Know Why

I just don't blog without a laptop. Sorry for anyone that cares. Life has been crazy lately. Things are getting serious now that Blair and I are 3 months away from marriage. She got to spend the whole last week with me which was amazing. It really makes this week suck but I get to see her again on Saturday so that works. I think she had a pretty good time while she was here. She got to meet my coworkers that I hang out with who are all a lot of fun. We went and played pool, to a minor league baseball game, the beach, bowling, happy hour, played softball, and shopped for furniture. Those are at least the big highlights of her stay but mainly it was a blessing for her just to be doing it with me. Please pray for a job to turn up in Melbourne for her. Other than that, not much new. We get to go see DMB next month. That's exciting. Also, I might stop blogging about my life and just turn this into a crazy monkey story outlet. Basically short fiction stories about the monkey that I could then turn into a blockbuster movie with the monkey from "Night at the Museum" and a special appearance be Ben Stiller. Let me know what you think. Thanks,

Again with the Begging!

Ok so there has been a significant decrease in my blogging. It is directly related to not being able to lay on the couch and type this. I actually have to sit in a chair and type at a desktop computer. I sit at a desk and computer for 9 hours a day thus the reason I have not done this at home. Its funny how different a laptop on the couch can feel. Isn't it a sad world when this is my complaint. I am talking about having to walk into another room and sitting at my nice computer to type pointless sentences on a website. There are still people that don't know what a website is. I know I am spoiled. I just thank God for the blessings he has provided.

As I type this I am updating my Iphone with the newest OS. I am a little behind when it comes to the apple world. I should have done this on midnight last Thursday or something like that but I am still PC in my heart. I am also downloading "Act of Congress"'s album. Great blog Lacey and for your information I have already spread the news to a buddy at work. He is downloading their album too.

I would like to acknowledge Baret who is a loyal follower and I can always count on her to comment (there are others as well but she is brought up for differnt reasons). One, she married a beautiful man (Nick, SHhhhhhhhhhh. We will always have Jackson). Second, did anybody read her comment on my last blog. That is great. Neal all the way

I have had a crazy June. Refer to Blair's blog for details but to sum it up: This is the first weekend I have been home in the past 6 weeks.

I am now going to jump into a fantasy world and describe how my day should have gone to make for a good blog:

Today my alarm went off at its usual time, 6:30 am. Monkey knew I was tired so he jumped out of his sock drawer and hit snooze for me. I didn't even have to get out of my cover cocoon. What a sweet monkey. The alarm proceeded to ring again 15 mins later. This time monkey slapped me like that scene in "Night at the Museum". He loves that movie because there is a lot of "monkey regulating on human" action. I then jumped out of bed and ran to the shower. While in the shower Dave Matthews played me a nice acoustic song. He was staying the night last night after his concert. He was tired and didn't want to ride the bus so I told him he could stay for free if he played while I showered. I then went to the all-you-can-eat french toast buffet in my kitchen. This is maintained by my staff of assistants (Had to get assistants because my fans send so much fan mail I had to hire someone to write them back and sign my name). After my 3rd helping of french toast I climbed a ladder. I then proceed to jump into my pants (1 leg at a time is for normal people) and button up my shirt. I was off to work. When I got to work my boss met me at my desk and thanked me for coming in. He wanted me to know I would never get fired because he loves my blog. But I told him that I needed to get to work that I would talk to him later. After he was gone, I let monkey out of my lunch box. He isn't suppose to be there because Harris has a strict no monkey policy but I let him stay in my bottom right drawer in my desk. Its one of the folder drawers so its like a 5 start resort to him. I started the work day by saving America (TWICE!). Just a little thing I do in my spare time. But then I had to stop fooling around, I had a meeting. At the meeting I scheduled three more meetings to discuss what went on at the meeting and to figure out when we were meeting again. I then scheduled a follow-up meeting because I forgot what I was suppose to actually accomplish after the first meeting. By the time I escaped from that meeting it was lunch time. For lunch a couple of my co-workers and I decided to teleport to Auburn,Al for some good bar-b-que. I was so happy I had invented that teleport machine yesterday at work during my coffee break. We finished up lunch, said bye to Bo Jackson and headed back to Florida. It turns out I was late for another meeting. Oops, forgot to set that outlook reminder. It was ok, I rewound time with my watch and made it on-time. I then realized that I controlled time and fast-forwarded it to 5:30. I then packed monkey up, who was asleep. It was so cute. We jumped into my lambo and cruised down to the beach. When I got to the beach I was instantly met by Jack Johnson for my surf lessons. We hit the waves for a little while and grabbed a muffin at this great local joint called the Blueberry Muffin. I was pretty spent so I went on home. When I got home Emeril had a nice gumbo waiting for me and monkey. It was BAM! GOooooooood. I then decided I would relax a little and get a massage while watching sportscenter and writing this blog. Man, I am so glad that none of this story was made up. No wonder life is good. NO but really. Life is good.

Anyone there?

So anyone still check this thing? It has been near 2 weeks since my last post.
I just felt like I was in catholic confessional. Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned. I have not blogged in 2 weeks and I have checked facebook just to see updated pictures. What should I do to be forgiven for using facebook like a TMZ with people I actually know?

Big booming voice of Blogger answers"Just talk about the monkey! Everybody loves the monkey that wears the pajamas."

So I am going to start at the beginning. Day 1: I cried and ate. Day 2: I cried some more and ate. fast forward(that noise that tapes used to make when we all still had VHS's that they should add to dvd's when you fast forward just as a joke) Day 1056: I finally talked and the world took a deep sigh of relief because they knew it was going to be alright. fast forward Present day 2 weeks ago.

I blogged on Monday June 1st. I then went to work on Tuesday June 2nd and thought, "Man I am having a bad day. I forgot my shoes and shorts to play basketball after work and I also forgot my belt" I did look pretty stupid without a belt because I still had to have my shirt tucked in to look professional. About lunch time on Tuesday I found out my company was having layoffs. That Day!! It had already began and it was just then spreading like wild fire around the offices. Talk about day from hell. My office is in a vault area where they have raised tile floors. This means you can here every footstep taken in the hallways. This is usually just an annoying fact on a normal day, especially when women wear heels. But today it was fear everytime you heard a footstep. "Who is that?" "Are they coming for me?". I eventually couldn't take it anymore and left my office to take care of some work in a lab down the hall. While there I joked with some people (who had no fear of losing their jobs because by this point there had been an email stating it was mainly for mechanical engineers) that I might not finish all my work today and that they would be screwed because I might not have a job tomorrow. Looking back on it I am really glad I am a easy going, joke all the time kind of guy. How mean would it have been for them to be joking with me about that and me be really stressed out and then get fired. Talk about a crappy day. Well turns out I have done a good enough job so far that they felt I was worth keeping. Unfortunately, I really did have some guys I know get laid off. When went bowling with them that night and let them curse the company over $1 beers (sadly appropriate for people that had just lost their jobs but a great deal in any circumstance). It took a couple of days for shell shocked look to wipe off everyone's faces but things are back to normal.

That was the start of me not caring to post. It had been a long week. Then I went to Stephen and Cati(used to be Cati Beck) Dole's wedding in Slapout,AL. While there I took my dad my laptop and handed it off to him because we had made a deal that I got the computer I am writing on now (a nice desktop) for my crappy old laptop. Worth the trade but now I can no longer post while watching sports on the couch. Sportscenter is my muse. I don't know why I don't have tv's in all the rooms of my house. Especially the computer room and bathrooms. I will work on that.

Since my last post my car had its 185,000 mile birthday. I am very proud of this because I have driven it for 140,000 miles of those. I am so ready for a new car but I hope mine keeps chugging along for now. Can't afford to get a new one right now. When it is time to get rid of her it will be bitter sweet. Who drives a car for 10 years anymore. Quite an accomplishment.

I wish I had more to write about that was funny but I am just so tired lately I can barely think to make myself laugh. I will share 2 great sightings I have had in the last 2 weeks.
1) I was leaving work to visit another office site last week so I stepped outside the building and out the turnstile (we have badge access turnstiles because I work on super secret stuff). When I leave the turnstile I turn under a covered walkway towards the parking lot. To my amazement a man on a unicycle is biking towards me in professional clothing. This was no ordinary unicycle. He was nearly hitting his head on the covered walkway which is probably 10 or 11ft tall. He then proceeded to swipe his badge and RIDE through the turnstile before he dismounted and walked it inside the building. The rest of my day was a blur. That blew my mind.

2) Yesterday while talking on the phone to Blair and riding home from work I spot a bicycler in the middle of the rode. It was a grown man (like 50yrs old) decked out in a full karate gui with a white belt on. He seemed to have groceries in one hand and driving suspiciously curvy ("drunk") with the other hand. I was an orange or yellow belt by the time I quit karate in the 3rd grade and this guy is 50 riding drunk down the center of the rode with a white belt. Great sighting.

Please comment with the most random best sighting you have had in the last 2 weeks. I know you had to entertain yourself somehow since I wasn't posting. This is not a contest like Lacey's (which isn't really a contest either since I have already won. Don't take victory away from me for being cocky. It was what you signed up for when you told me to blog).

Oh yea, got another stalker gift. It was weight loss patches. Still trying to make me skinny. Although Blair thinks I bought them for her. She should know better that my stalkers want my ashley olsen look back.