Here is an email that got passed around work that is pretty spot on. Hope you enjoy.
Random Thoughts
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch orphone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-That's enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent some idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman.
Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Away We Go
So Lacey already posted about the "500 days of Summer" that I want to see so I will do a shout out for another movie.
This looks pretty good to me because its produced by Focus Features who does all the good independent films and it has John Krasinski (from the Office) and Maya Rudolph (SNL) in it. The music featured in the trailer is Alex Murdoch who I randomly purchased while in college at Hastings and I highly recommend his CD. Lame post. Sorry
This looks pretty good to me because its produced by Focus Features who does all the good independent films and it has John Krasinski (from the Office) and Maya Rudolph (SNL) in it. The music featured in the trailer is Alex Murdoch who I randomly purchased while in college at Hastings and I highly recommend his CD. Lame post. Sorry
Friday, July 31, 2009
Laptop is back.
This should be good for my blogging. I expect blogging to pick up speed. Thanks DAD!
California's rebuttal:
California's rebuttal:
Friday, July 24, 2009
Debate: California vs. rest of the country
The rest of the country opens the debate with:
California's rebuttal to follow
California's rebuttal to follow
Monday, July 13, 2009
Don't Know Why
I just don't blog without a laptop. Sorry for anyone that cares. Life has been crazy lately. Things are getting serious now that Blair and I are 3 months away from marriage. She got to spend the whole last week with me which was amazing. It really makes this week suck but I get to see her again on Saturday so that works. I think she had a pretty good time while she was here. She got to meet my coworkers that I hang out with who are all a lot of fun. We went and played pool, to a minor league baseball game, the beach, bowling, happy hour, played softball, and shopped for furniture. Those are at least the big highlights of her stay but mainly it was a blessing for her just to be doing it with me. Please pray for a job to turn up in Melbourne for her. Other than that, not much new. We get to go see DMB next month. That's exciting. Also, I might stop blogging about my life and just turn this into a crazy monkey story outlet. Basically short fiction stories about the monkey that I could then turn into a blockbuster movie with the monkey from "Night at the Museum" and a special appearance be Ben Stiller. Let me know what you think. Thanks,
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Again with the Begging!
Ok so there has been a significant decrease in my blogging. It is directly related to not being able to lay on the couch and type this. I actually have to sit in a chair and type at a desktop computer. I sit at a desk and computer for 9 hours a day thus the reason I have not done this at home. Its funny how different a laptop on the couch can feel. Isn't it a sad world when this is my complaint. I am talking about having to walk into another room and sitting at my nice computer to type pointless sentences on a website. There are still people that don't know what a website is. I know I am spoiled. I just thank God for the blessings he has provided.
As I type this I am updating my Iphone with the newest OS. I am a little behind when it comes to the apple world. I should have done this on midnight last Thursday or something like that but I am still PC in my heart. I am also downloading "Act of Congress"'s album. Great blog Lacey and for your information I have already spread the news to a buddy at work. He is downloading their album too.
I would like to acknowledge Baret who is a loyal follower and I can always count on her to comment (there are others as well but she is brought up for differnt reasons). One, she married a beautiful man (Nick, SHhhhhhhhhhh. We will always have Jackson). Second, did anybody read her comment on my last blog. That is great. Neal all the way
I have had a crazy June. Refer to Blair's blog for details but to sum it up: This is the first weekend I have been home in the past 6 weeks.
I am now going to jump into a fantasy world and describe how my day should have gone to make for a good blog:
Today my alarm went off at its usual time, 6:30 am. Monkey knew I was tired so he jumped out of his sock drawer and hit snooze for me. I didn't even have to get out of my cover cocoon. What a sweet monkey. The alarm proceeded to ring again 15 mins later. This time monkey slapped me like that scene in "Night at the Museum". He loves that movie because there is a lot of "monkey regulating on human" action. I then jumped out of bed and ran to the shower. While in the shower Dave Matthews played me a nice acoustic song. He was staying the night last night after his concert. He was tired and didn't want to ride the bus so I told him he could stay for free if he played while I showered. I then went to the all-you-can-eat french toast buffet in my kitchen. This is maintained by my staff of assistants (Had to get assistants because my fans send so much fan mail I had to hire someone to write them back and sign my name). After my 3rd helping of french toast I climbed a ladder. I then proceed to jump into my pants (1 leg at a time is for normal people) and button up my shirt. I was off to work. When I got to work my boss met me at my desk and thanked me for coming in. He wanted me to know I would never get fired because he loves my blog. But I told him that I needed to get to work that I would talk to him later. After he was gone, I let monkey out of my lunch box. He isn't suppose to be there because Harris has a strict no monkey policy but I let him stay in my bottom right drawer in my desk. Its one of the folder drawers so its like a 5 start resort to him. I started the work day by saving America (TWICE!). Just a little thing I do in my spare time. But then I had to stop fooling around, I had a meeting. At the meeting I scheduled three more meetings to discuss what went on at the meeting and to figure out when we were meeting again. I then scheduled a follow-up meeting because I forgot what I was suppose to actually accomplish after the first meeting. By the time I escaped from that meeting it was lunch time. For lunch a couple of my co-workers and I decided to teleport to Auburn,Al for some good bar-b-que. I was so happy I had invented that teleport machine yesterday at work during my coffee break. We finished up lunch, said bye to Bo Jackson and headed back to Florida. It turns out I was late for another meeting. Oops, forgot to set that outlook reminder. It was ok, I rewound time with my watch and made it on-time. I then realized that I controlled time and fast-forwarded it to 5:30. I then packed monkey up, who was asleep. It was so cute. We jumped into my lambo and cruised down to the beach. When I got to the beach I was instantly met by Jack Johnson for my surf lessons. We hit the waves for a little while and grabbed a muffin at this great local joint called the Blueberry Muffin. I was pretty spent so I went on home. When I got home Emeril had a nice gumbo waiting for me and monkey. It was BAM! GOooooooood. I then decided I would relax a little and get a massage while watching sportscenter and writing this blog. Man, I am so glad that none of this story was made up. No wonder life is good. NO but really. Life is good.
As I type this I am updating my Iphone with the newest OS. I am a little behind when it comes to the apple world. I should have done this on midnight last Thursday or something like that but I am still PC in my heart. I am also downloading "Act of Congress"'s album. Great blog Lacey and for your information I have already spread the news to a buddy at work. He is downloading their album too.
I would like to acknowledge Baret who is a loyal follower and I can always count on her to comment (there are others as well but she is brought up for differnt reasons). One, she married a beautiful man (Nick, SHhhhhhhhhhh. We will always have Jackson). Second, did anybody read her comment on my last blog. That is great. Neal all the way
I have had a crazy June. Refer to Blair's blog for details but to sum it up: This is the first weekend I have been home in the past 6 weeks.
I am now going to jump into a fantasy world and describe how my day should have gone to make for a good blog:
Today my alarm went off at its usual time, 6:30 am. Monkey knew I was tired so he jumped out of his sock drawer and hit snooze for me. I didn't even have to get out of my cover cocoon. What a sweet monkey. The alarm proceeded to ring again 15 mins later. This time monkey slapped me like that scene in "Night at the Museum". He loves that movie because there is a lot of "monkey regulating on human" action. I then jumped out of bed and ran to the shower. While in the shower Dave Matthews played me a nice acoustic song. He was staying the night last night after his concert. He was tired and didn't want to ride the bus so I told him he could stay for free if he played while I showered. I then went to the all-you-can-eat french toast buffet in my kitchen. This is maintained by my staff of assistants (Had to get assistants because my fans send so much fan mail I had to hire someone to write them back and sign my name). After my 3rd helping of french toast I climbed a ladder. I then proceed to jump into my pants (1 leg at a time is for normal people) and button up my shirt. I was off to work. When I got to work my boss met me at my desk and thanked me for coming in. He wanted me to know I would never get fired because he loves my blog. But I told him that I needed to get to work that I would talk to him later. After he was gone, I let monkey out of my lunch box. He isn't suppose to be there because Harris has a strict no monkey policy but I let him stay in my bottom right drawer in my desk. Its one of the folder drawers so its like a 5 start resort to him. I started the work day by saving America (TWICE!). Just a little thing I do in my spare time. But then I had to stop fooling around, I had a meeting. At the meeting I scheduled three more meetings to discuss what went on at the meeting and to figure out when we were meeting again. I then scheduled a follow-up meeting because I forgot what I was suppose to actually accomplish after the first meeting. By the time I escaped from that meeting it was lunch time. For lunch a couple of my co-workers and I decided to teleport to Auburn,Al for some good bar-b-que. I was so happy I had invented that teleport machine yesterday at work during my coffee break. We finished up lunch, said bye to Bo Jackson and headed back to Florida. It turns out I was late for another meeting. Oops, forgot to set that outlook reminder. It was ok, I rewound time with my watch and made it on-time. I then realized that I controlled time and fast-forwarded it to 5:30. I then packed monkey up, who was asleep. It was so cute. We jumped into my lambo and cruised down to the beach. When I got to the beach I was instantly met by Jack Johnson for my surf lessons. We hit the waves for a little while and grabbed a muffin at this great local joint called the Blueberry Muffin. I was pretty spent so I went on home. When I got home Emeril had a nice gumbo waiting for me and monkey. It was BAM! GOooooooood. I then decided I would relax a little and get a massage while watching sportscenter and writing this blog. Man, I am so glad that none of this story was made up. No wonder life is good. NO but really. Life is good.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Anyone there?
So anyone still check this thing? It has been near 2 weeks since my last post.
I just felt like I was in catholic confessional. Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned. I have not blogged in 2 weeks and I have checked facebook just to see updated pictures. What should I do to be forgiven for using facebook like a TMZ with people I actually know?
Big booming voice of Blogger answers"Just talk about the monkey! Everybody loves the monkey that wears the pajamas."
So I am going to start at the beginning. Day 1: I cried and ate. Day 2: I cried some more and ate. fast forward(that noise that tapes used to make when we all still had VHS's that they should add to dvd's when you fast forward just as a joke) Day 1056: I finally talked and the world took a deep sigh of relief because they knew it was going to be alright. fast forward Present day 2 weeks ago.
I blogged on Monday June 1st. I then went to work on Tuesday June 2nd and thought, "Man I am having a bad day. I forgot my shoes and shorts to play basketball after work and I also forgot my belt" I did look pretty stupid without a belt because I still had to have my shirt tucked in to look professional. About lunch time on Tuesday I found out my company was having layoffs. That Day!! It had already began and it was just then spreading like wild fire around the offices. Talk about day from hell. My office is in a vault area where they have raised tile floors. This means you can here every footstep taken in the hallways. This is usually just an annoying fact on a normal day, especially when women wear heels. But today it was fear everytime you heard a footstep. "Who is that?" "Are they coming for me?". I eventually couldn't take it anymore and left my office to take care of some work in a lab down the hall. While there I joked with some people (who had no fear of losing their jobs because by this point there had been an email stating it was mainly for mechanical engineers) that I might not finish all my work today and that they would be screwed because I might not have a job tomorrow. Looking back on it I am really glad I am a easy going, joke all the time kind of guy. How mean would it have been for them to be joking with me about that and me be really stressed out and then get fired. Talk about a crappy day. Well turns out I have done a good enough job so far that they felt I was worth keeping. Unfortunately, I really did have some guys I know get laid off. When went bowling with them that night and let them curse the company over $1 beers (sadly appropriate for people that had just lost their jobs but a great deal in any circumstance). It took a couple of days for shell shocked look to wipe off everyone's faces but things are back to normal.
That was the start of me not caring to post. It had been a long week. Then I went to Stephen and Cati(used to be Cati Beck) Dole's wedding in Slapout,AL. While there I took my dad my laptop and handed it off to him because we had made a deal that I got the computer I am writing on now (a nice desktop) for my crappy old laptop. Worth the trade but now I can no longer post while watching sports on the couch. Sportscenter is my muse. I don't know why I don't have tv's in all the rooms of my house. Especially the computer room and bathrooms. I will work on that.
Since my last post my car had its 185,000 mile birthday. I am very proud of this because I have driven it for 140,000 miles of those. I am so ready for a new car but I hope mine keeps chugging along for now. Can't afford to get a new one right now. When it is time to get rid of her it will be bitter sweet. Who drives a car for 10 years anymore. Quite an accomplishment.
I wish I had more to write about that was funny but I am just so tired lately I can barely think to make myself laugh. I will share 2 great sightings I have had in the last 2 weeks.
1) I was leaving work to visit another office site last week so I stepped outside the building and out the turnstile (we have badge access turnstiles because I work on super secret stuff). When I leave the turnstile I turn under a covered walkway towards the parking lot. To my amazement a man on a unicycle is biking towards me in professional clothing. This was no ordinary unicycle. He was nearly hitting his head on the covered walkway which is probably 10 or 11ft tall. He then proceeded to swipe his badge and RIDE through the turnstile before he dismounted and walked it inside the building. The rest of my day was a blur. That blew my mind.
2) Yesterday while talking on the phone to Blair and riding home from work I spot a bicycler in the middle of the rode. It was a grown man (like 50yrs old) decked out in a full karate gui with a white belt on. He seemed to have groceries in one hand and driving suspiciously curvy ("drunk") with the other hand. I was an orange or yellow belt by the time I quit karate in the 3rd grade and this guy is 50 riding drunk down the center of the rode with a white belt. Great sighting.
Please comment with the most random best sighting you have had in the last 2 weeks. I know you had to entertain yourself somehow since I wasn't posting. This is not a contest like Lacey's (which isn't really a contest either since I have already won. Don't take victory away from me for being cocky. It was what you signed up for when you told me to blog).
Oh yea, got another stalker gift. It was weight loss patches. Still trying to make me skinny. Although Blair thinks I bought them for her. She should know better that my stalkers want my ashley olsen look back.
I just felt like I was in catholic confessional. Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned. I have not blogged in 2 weeks and I have checked facebook just to see updated pictures. What should I do to be forgiven for using facebook like a TMZ with people I actually know?
Big booming voice of Blogger answers"Just talk about the monkey! Everybody loves the monkey that wears the pajamas."
So I am going to start at the beginning. Day 1: I cried and ate. Day 2: I cried some more and ate. fast forward(that noise that tapes used to make when we all still had VHS's that they should add to dvd's when you fast forward just as a joke) Day 1056: I finally talked and the world took a deep sigh of relief because they knew it was going to be alright. fast forward Present day 2 weeks ago.
I blogged on Monday June 1st. I then went to work on Tuesday June 2nd and thought, "Man I am having a bad day. I forgot my shoes and shorts to play basketball after work and I also forgot my belt" I did look pretty stupid without a belt because I still had to have my shirt tucked in to look professional. About lunch time on Tuesday I found out my company was having layoffs. That Day!! It had already began and it was just then spreading like wild fire around the offices. Talk about day from hell. My office is in a vault area where they have raised tile floors. This means you can here every footstep taken in the hallways. This is usually just an annoying fact on a normal day, especially when women wear heels. But today it was fear everytime you heard a footstep. "Who is that?" "Are they coming for me?". I eventually couldn't take it anymore and left my office to take care of some work in a lab down the hall. While there I joked with some people (who had no fear of losing their jobs because by this point there had been an email stating it was mainly for mechanical engineers) that I might not finish all my work today and that they would be screwed because I might not have a job tomorrow. Looking back on it I am really glad I am a easy going, joke all the time kind of guy. How mean would it have been for them to be joking with me about that and me be really stressed out and then get fired. Talk about a crappy day. Well turns out I have done a good enough job so far that they felt I was worth keeping. Unfortunately, I really did have some guys I know get laid off. When went bowling with them that night and let them curse the company over $1 beers (sadly appropriate for people that had just lost their jobs but a great deal in any circumstance). It took a couple of days for shell shocked look to wipe off everyone's faces but things are back to normal.
That was the start of me not caring to post. It had been a long week. Then I went to Stephen and Cati(used to be Cati Beck) Dole's wedding in Slapout,AL. While there I took my dad my laptop and handed it off to him because we had made a deal that I got the computer I am writing on now (a nice desktop) for my crappy old laptop. Worth the trade but now I can no longer post while watching sports on the couch. Sportscenter is my muse. I don't know why I don't have tv's in all the rooms of my house. Especially the computer room and bathrooms. I will work on that.
Since my last post my car had its 185,000 mile birthday. I am very proud of this because I have driven it for 140,000 miles of those. I am so ready for a new car but I hope mine keeps chugging along for now. Can't afford to get a new one right now. When it is time to get rid of her it will be bitter sweet. Who drives a car for 10 years anymore. Quite an accomplishment.
I wish I had more to write about that was funny but I am just so tired lately I can barely think to make myself laugh. I will share 2 great sightings I have had in the last 2 weeks.
1) I was leaving work to visit another office site last week so I stepped outside the building and out the turnstile (we have badge access turnstiles because I work on super secret stuff). When I leave the turnstile I turn under a covered walkway towards the parking lot. To my amazement a man on a unicycle is biking towards me in professional clothing. This was no ordinary unicycle. He was nearly hitting his head on the covered walkway which is probably 10 or 11ft tall. He then proceeded to swipe his badge and RIDE through the turnstile before he dismounted and walked it inside the building. The rest of my day was a blur. That blew my mind.
2) Yesterday while talking on the phone to Blair and riding home from work I spot a bicycler in the middle of the rode. It was a grown man (like 50yrs old) decked out in a full karate gui with a white belt on. He seemed to have groceries in one hand and driving suspiciously curvy ("drunk") with the other hand. I was an orange or yellow belt by the time I quit karate in the 3rd grade and this guy is 50 riding drunk down the center of the rode with a white belt. Great sighting.
Please comment with the most random best sighting you have had in the last 2 weeks. I know you had to entertain yourself somehow since I wasn't posting. This is not a contest like Lacey's (which isn't really a contest either since I have already won. Don't take victory away from me for being cocky. It was what you signed up for when you told me to blog).
Oh yea, got another stalker gift. It was weight loss patches. Still trying to make me skinny. Although Blair thinks I bought them for her. She should know better that my stalkers want my ashley olsen look back.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Adam Samberg does pretty good job
In case you had better things to do last night and missed the MTV movie awards (I wish I had had better things but I didn't) I have posted three clips that I enjoyed. Sorry for the lame post but I am lazy today.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Old and ashamed
Yesterday I left straight from work to meet some random guys from work to play flag football. After reading Eric's blog I found out that this grants me a punch on my Man Card. I imagine you receive 9 punches on your man card then you get 1 freebie. That freebie could then be used to do something very feminine without repercussions. I plan on redeeming mine to wear a pair of gauchos pants. Those things look so comfortable. (By the way I have a whole room full of man cards that I am saving for retirement so that I can mess with the public at large. I could pull some awesome old man pranks if I have no shame) Back to the football: So I showed up and didn't know anyone. I introduced myself and went through the scouting session. They wanted to know if I had any skills. I don't like to brag but I will so that there is more to read. I played like a Heisman trophy winner. Not really but I did play pretty well only throwing 1 horrible pass (so bad that everyone including me instantly started laughing) and missed 1 catch. I finished with 1 of the 4 touchdowns (had another but they lied and said I was tackled before the goal line). Today they sent out another email stating how well the new guy played and about the next game in 2 weeks. I can't wait. If anyone remembers playing with me in college on the intramural fields they know how much I love football. Well today I am paying for my fun. My hips, back, and legs hurt. This is probably because I haven't run/worked out in about 1 month. I have let things slide recently but about to get back on the bandwagon. Thinking about joining the gym so that I can start swimming again. Will probably go sign up next week. Few people know that I am a mini Michael Phelps.
The ashamed part of the title comes in now. Today is the spelling bee on ESPN. I hate this because every single kid in that competition is a better speller than me and I have a college degree. The only thing worse then my spelling is probably my grammar. I need to teach my monkey perfect grammar and make him memorize the dictionary/thesaurus. Then I could sneak him in to work and we could hang 24/7.
This is an actual picture of me in Gauchos.
I want to apologize to all the good writers and spellers that read this blog that suffer through my writing. I hope that it is worth it.
The ashamed part of the title comes in now. Today is the spelling bee on ESPN. I hate this because every single kid in that competition is a better speller than me and I have a college degree. The only thing worse then my spelling is probably my grammar. I need to teach my monkey perfect grammar and make him memorize the dictionary/thesaurus. Then I could sneak him in to work and we could hang 24/7.
This is an actual picture of me in Gauchos.
I want to apologize to all the good writers and spellers that read this blog that suffer through my writing. I hope that it is worth it.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Rod Stewart is a Robot
I switched over to American Idol during a basketball timeout and realized that Rod Stewart is a robot. I also witnessed one of KISS' guitar players try to smash his guitar and missed the floor on two consecutive swings because his heels made him so tall that his arms weren't long enough to make contact between the floor and the guitar. Pretty funny to watch old people rock out because they think they are still cool but they aren't. Go Cavs!! They are going to win the title this year. I leave you with this quote, "Man, I sure hope that this milk is in date because I can't afford to make twelve trips to California for the grapes that your uncle Sarah asked for due to his/her recent rash that showed up underneath your seventh solo during Shark week on the 4th and 1/2 of December." You guys remember that line? I cry everytime I watch Rudy.
I am going to go see Terminator tomorrow. And I can't wait for this movie,
I love Andy Galifianakis and hope that my bachelor party later this year has stories like this.
I am going to go see Terminator tomorrow. And I can't wait for this movie,
I love Andy Galifianakis and hope that my bachelor party later this year has stories like this.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
waterproof computer = future blogs
Just wanted to update everybody about my life over the last couple days.
- My head shots that Blair and I took are on their way. We got some samples and I believe my stalkers are going to like them very much.
- My sprinkler system broke about 3 weeks ago and my grass started dying because in Florida you have to water you grass every other day for it will to die. Ironically, they have watering restrictions (that I have noticed nobody follows) that would kill your grass anyways. However, yesterday the stars aligned and we got rain for the first time in forever and it hasn't stopped. When I got off work I went straight to Home Depot to buy wood for the ark I have began to build. Right now it looks more like the raft from Cast Away. My monkey is filling in for Wilson. I am going to wear a snorkel and fins to bed tonight and we will see how this turns out. We have probably got 7 inches of ran in the last 48 hrs and we are forecasted for 8+ more in the next 48hrs.
-The best thing about the rain is that I can say I am watering my grass at any moment during the day and it satisfies my daily chores around the house. Thus I get to lay on my couch as soon as I get home (I usually do this anyways but now I don't have any guilty feelings).
-I am going tux shopping for the wedding and although I know I would never be allowed to wear anything crazy at the actual wedding, I am really hoping to try on a "dumb and dumber" tux just for photo opt. It will posted if it happens.
-My shopping list from K-mart yesterday: pack of gum, 20 oz. Orange Slice, Bag of Tostitos, Mr. Clean dust pan for work (can't stand how dirty my office floor is and they refuse to clean it), and 3pack of adjustable crescent wrenches.
-I have decided to take clothes off in every room in my house this week and leave them in the floor. I am calling it a laundrycation. I don't know why I am rebelling from placing dirty clothes in a localized hamper but I am rebelling. Rebelling against myself since I live alone. I believe tomorrow I will ground myself, give myself a spanking, and force myself to wash all those clothes so that I can pack for the weekend. I will then probably feel guilty and take myself out for ice cream to make up for yelling at myself. I have a love-hate relationship with myself. Mainly love.
Glee the new show on Fox has potential. Maybe I am still on a Camp Fwala high from the recent video posts on Facebook. I believe original cast should perform Camp Fwala when all members are in their 40's. Does anyone have video of Fwala?
- My head shots that Blair and I took are on their way. We got some samples and I believe my stalkers are going to like them very much.
- My sprinkler system broke about 3 weeks ago and my grass started dying because in Florida you have to water you grass every other day for it will to die. Ironically, they have watering restrictions (that I have noticed nobody follows) that would kill your grass anyways. However, yesterday the stars aligned and we got rain for the first time in forever and it hasn't stopped. When I got off work I went straight to Home Depot to buy wood for the ark I have began to build. Right now it looks more like the raft from Cast Away. My monkey is filling in for Wilson. I am going to wear a snorkel and fins to bed tonight and we will see how this turns out. We have probably got 7 inches of ran in the last 48 hrs and we are forecasted for 8+ more in the next 48hrs.
-The best thing about the rain is that I can say I am watering my grass at any moment during the day and it satisfies my daily chores around the house. Thus I get to lay on my couch as soon as I get home (I usually do this anyways but now I don't have any guilty feelings).
-I am going tux shopping for the wedding and although I know I would never be allowed to wear anything crazy at the actual wedding, I am really hoping to try on a "dumb and dumber" tux just for photo opt. It will posted if it happens.
-My shopping list from K-mart yesterday: pack of gum, 20 oz. Orange Slice, Bag of Tostitos, Mr. Clean dust pan for work (can't stand how dirty my office floor is and they refuse to clean it), and 3pack of adjustable crescent wrenches.
-I have decided to take clothes off in every room in my house this week and leave them in the floor. I am calling it a laundrycation. I don't know why I am rebelling from placing dirty clothes in a localized hamper but I am rebelling. Rebelling against myself since I live alone. I believe tomorrow I will ground myself, give myself a spanking, and force myself to wash all those clothes so that I can pack for the weekend. I will then probably feel guilty and take myself out for ice cream to make up for yelling at myself. I have a love-hate relationship with myself. Mainly love.
Glee the new show on Fox has potential. Maybe I am still on a Camp Fwala high from the recent video posts on Facebook. I believe original cast should perform Camp Fwala when all members are in their 40's. Does anyone have video of Fwala?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Coldplay
Just writing about the concert:
Coldplay was amazing. So worth going down to see them. I made it to the concert before they opened the lawn so we got pretty good seats and it was a nice venue (typical covered seats with open lawn behind it but they had screen for the lawn to watch). We started just relaxing waiting for the openers. Weather was great. The first opener was not that great and then Pete Yorn came on. He didn't really get it done for me either but he set the mood and the crowd really started pouring in during his set. During Pete Yorn's set my butt started hurting from sitting so I laid down and just stared into the sky listening to music. It was very relaxing and really cleared my mind from the hectic work week I had. While laying down, an older couple brought their chairs and sat down in a spot that was barely big enough for both of them. Thanks for crowding me. These people were old enough to be my parents. After they got settled I noticed the lady decided to light up a cigarette. But while laying there people watching I realized she wasn't smoking this like a regular cigarette (chin down, quick lights, and cig covered in whole hand). The old couple came to smoke a joint. They were the first pot heads of the night. Shortly after Coldplay started their set and instantly the rest of the lawn lit up and produced a nice cloud of marijuana.
Coldplay put on a great show. The crowd was very into it and sang along a lot. Viva la Vida was fun to sing along with. They use lasers, and blow up balloons, and paper butterflies, and live video editing to keep you entertained. I was tripping from the light shows without smokin' so I can only imagine what the experience was like with "sense enhancement". I really enjoyed all the songs but "Lovers in Japan" and "Yellow" were definitely the best of the night. If you are not familiar with these songs they are posted below. At the end of the night Chris Martin, lead singer who gives his all into the performance, announced we were all going to receive a free copy of their new CD "Left Right Left Right Left". Sure enough as we walked out they were passing them out to each outstretched hand. Great ending to one of the best concerts I have ever seen. As Lacey as already posted on her blog, you can download it for free from their website. But please note that i had it before you did because I am like this "" with the band. (I crossed my fingers inside the quotes and moved them in a "more than friends" manner).
Coldplay was amazing. So worth going down to see them. I made it to the concert before they opened the lawn so we got pretty good seats and it was a nice venue (typical covered seats with open lawn behind it but they had screen for the lawn to watch). We started just relaxing waiting for the openers. Weather was great. The first opener was not that great and then Pete Yorn came on. He didn't really get it done for me either but he set the mood and the crowd really started pouring in during his set. During Pete Yorn's set my butt started hurting from sitting so I laid down and just stared into the sky listening to music. It was very relaxing and really cleared my mind from the hectic work week I had. While laying down, an older couple brought their chairs and sat down in a spot that was barely big enough for both of them. Thanks for crowding me. These people were old enough to be my parents. After they got settled I noticed the lady decided to light up a cigarette. But while laying there people watching I realized she wasn't smoking this like a regular cigarette (chin down, quick lights, and cig covered in whole hand). The old couple came to smoke a joint. They were the first pot heads of the night. Shortly after Coldplay started their set and instantly the rest of the lawn lit up and produced a nice cloud of marijuana.
Coldplay put on a great show. The crowd was very into it and sang along a lot. Viva la Vida was fun to sing along with. They use lasers, and blow up balloons, and paper butterflies, and live video editing to keep you entertained. I was tripping from the light shows without smokin' so I can only imagine what the experience was like with "sense enhancement". I really enjoyed all the songs but "Lovers in Japan" and "Yellow" were definitely the best of the night. If you are not familiar with these songs they are posted below. At the end of the night Chris Martin, lead singer who gives his all into the performance, announced we were all going to receive a free copy of their new CD "Left Right Left Right Left". Sure enough as we walked out they were passing them out to each outstretched hand. Great ending to one of the best concerts I have ever seen. As Lacey as already posted on her blog, you can download it for free from their website. But please note that i had it before you did because I am like this "" with the band. (I crossed my fingers inside the quotes and moved them in a "more than friends" manner).
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Hotchores
That's right. I am going to see Coldplay but I decided to right it in opposite speak. I bought a ticket to go see them in West Palm Beach this Friday. Leaving right after work. I am excited. A present to myself. I hope they are as good as I have heard they are. When buying my ticket I had to type in one of those squiggly letter messages to confirm it was me. I had to type the word "ovulate" and then a 9 digit number. I am hoping that this means the show is going to be orgasmic. I wasn't trying to be dirty. Live Nation started it. That is all. Just bragging about my concert tix. For those in/near Atl they will be playing a show there on Sunday then for those in/near Bham they play on Monday.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Godzilla eats a chihuahua
First I am going to explain my title. When first opening my browser I was going to title this post "I'm back". Then for some reason I thought of Godzilla storming down the main street of a New York. Everyone was running away screaming and Godzilla picks out a little chihuahua from the crowd and picks it up by its little backpack it was wearing. It then proceeds to throw it into the air, 3 flips, and a clean swallow.
Wow, where do I begin. It has been like 2 weeks. Lets start with how popular I am.
I am so popular I now have 2 stalkers. That's right my fan club of identity thieves has grown to 2. Monday (5/4/2009, my fiancee's birthday) I received a call from a 1-877 number. When I returned the call the lady told me that she had more information about the government grants that I signed up for on the Internet. I told her, no she didn't and told her to shove it. I don't want your deutsche markies. Blair and I then googled the number and found a word for word account of the conversation I had with the lady and description of how it was a scam. (Is googled not in the dictionary yet? I thought they added that but spell check thinks not. I know impetrable is. Impetrable is when something can't penetrate something else. I am impetrable and unpressable.) After realizing that I trying to be scammed I wanted to check my credit cards prior to going out to dinner for Blair's bday. That's when I found a match.com charge on my account. Although I know match.com wants me to join, this had not been authorized by me. I called the credit card company and found out that they had also tried to charge $250 in flowers multiple times as well as Yahoo Personal charges. These people needed some loving or I have a girlfriend on the side that I couldn't tell Blair about on her birthday. I am going with the first option since Blair follows my blog. I closed the account and then sent the fan an autographed photo of my pet monkey (I couldn't wait till Costa Rica. After blogging about my monkey I had to find one on eBay and he arrived in a shoebox with holes punched in it yesterday).
Gifts:
Without switching subjects, how great I am, lets move to the gifts I have been showered with. As you all know, I was originally given a teeth whitening kit. Then later that week I received my second gift. My second gift was a bottle of weight loss pills. This is when I knew I had gone Hollywood. My fans needed me to have perfect teeth and wanted me to be really skinny. I imagine I will look a little like the Olsen twins before the wedding.
If my fans send me more pills I will shoot for the Ally McBeal look.
I then received a third gift, an eBay home business CD. It is clear that my fans want me to free myself from my 8-5 that way I can commit more to my blog. This is understandable. How can I get that skinny if I am not throwing up, working out, throwing up, then blogging about how fat I am. They have my best interest in mind.
Engagement Pictures:
I know most of you read my last post and said "Engagement pictures! I hope Matt makes a calendar!!!". I hate to disappoint so I just may have to make a calendar that would be on sale for 76 easy payments of $76. Previews later if I get bored.
In response to Eric's comment- No we didn't take pictures at the petting zoo although I agree. That would be a great location. Where else could you get a kiss on both cheeks. One from your Lover (said like Will Ferrell from SNL skit where he makes out with lady all the time) and a goat on the other cheek. Since this suggestion was not made prior to our engagement pictures we took our pictures at the only logical place when living on the coast, the strip club. Blair got some gorgeous pictures hanging upside down on the pole and I was working it with my spin moves. I have been going to the stripper workout classes at the gym. I am the only guy there but I fit in because we are all wearing women's lingerie (Matt whispers in your ear, "thongs"). Of course we know that is not true except for the workout classes. We really took pictures on the beach and I was very Fabioish. Except for all the hair and muscles. I am sure you will see some of them when they leak on TMZ.
To end today I leave you with some music,
This is a song that I considered for Blair's and my first dance for a while. We chose a great more upbeat song instead. But this is a Ben Harper tribute since I love him and he recently played a free concert in Auburn. Everyone I knew that is still in Auburn went to the concert, oh wait, no they didn't and I will never let them live it down. But they had really good excuses, oh wait, no they didn't. They had really really really really really lame excuses. I wanted to continue to type really but I am hungry and I am going to eat dinner. Good day .
For those not interested in the above song, here is a Beatles' cover. I just realized how similar this sounds to the Across the Universe version. Great movie. Might watch that this weekend.
Wow, where do I begin. It has been like 2 weeks. Lets start with how popular I am.
I am so popular I now have 2 stalkers. That's right my fan club of identity thieves has grown to 2. Monday (5/4/2009, my fiancee's birthday) I received a call from a 1-877 number. When I returned the call the lady told me that she had more information about the government grants that I signed up for on the Internet. I told her, no she didn't and told her to shove it. I don't want your deutsche markies. Blair and I then googled the number and found a word for word account of the conversation I had with the lady and description of how it was a scam. (Is googled not in the dictionary yet? I thought they added that but spell check thinks not. I know impetrable is. Impetrable is when something can't penetrate something else. I am impetrable and unpressable.) After realizing that I trying to be scammed I wanted to check my credit cards prior to going out to dinner for Blair's bday. That's when I found a match.com charge on my account. Although I know match.com wants me to join, this had not been authorized by me. I called the credit card company and found out that they had also tried to charge $250 in flowers multiple times as well as Yahoo Personal charges. These people needed some loving or I have a girlfriend on the side that I couldn't tell Blair about on her birthday. I am going with the first option since Blair follows my blog. I closed the account and then sent the fan an autographed photo of my pet monkey (I couldn't wait till Costa Rica. After blogging about my monkey I had to find one on eBay and he arrived in a shoebox with holes punched in it yesterday).
Gifts:
Without switching subjects, how great I am, lets move to the gifts I have been showered with. As you all know, I was originally given a teeth whitening kit. Then later that week I received my second gift. My second gift was a bottle of weight loss pills. This is when I knew I had gone Hollywood. My fans needed me to have perfect teeth and wanted me to be really skinny. I imagine I will look a little like the Olsen twins before the wedding.
If my fans send me more pills I will shoot for the Ally McBeal look.
I then received a third gift, an eBay home business CD. It is clear that my fans want me to free myself from my 8-5 that way I can commit more to my blog. This is understandable. How can I get that skinny if I am not throwing up, working out, throwing up, then blogging about how fat I am. They have my best interest in mind.
Engagement Pictures:
I know most of you read my last post and said "Engagement pictures! I hope Matt makes a calendar!!!". I hate to disappoint so I just may have to make a calendar that would be on sale for 76 easy payments of $76. Previews later if I get bored.
In response to Eric's comment- No we didn't take pictures at the petting zoo although I agree. That would be a great location. Where else could you get a kiss on both cheeks. One from your Lover (said like Will Ferrell from SNL skit where he makes out with lady all the time) and a goat on the other cheek. Since this suggestion was not made prior to our engagement pictures we took our pictures at the only logical place when living on the coast, the strip club. Blair got some gorgeous pictures hanging upside down on the pole and I was working it with my spin moves. I have been going to the stripper workout classes at the gym. I am the only guy there but I fit in because we are all wearing women's lingerie (Matt whispers in your ear, "thongs"). Of course we know that is not true except for the workout classes. We really took pictures on the beach and I was very Fabioish. Except for all the hair and muscles. I am sure you will see some of them when they leak on TMZ.
To end today I leave you with some music,
This is a song that I considered for Blair's and my first dance for a while. We chose a great more upbeat song instead. But this is a Ben Harper tribute since I love him and he recently played a free concert in Auburn. Everyone I knew that is still in Auburn went to the concert, oh wait, no they didn't and I will never let them live it down. But they had really good excuses, oh wait, no they didn't. They had really really really really really lame excuses. I wanted to continue to type really but I am hungry and I am going to eat dinner. Good day .
For those not interested in the above song, here is a Beatles' cover. I just realized how similar this sounds to the Across the Universe version. Great movie. Might watch that this weekend.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Just checking in
So I have been MIA for a week now and I apologize. I had a crazy week last week, best friend graduated on Thursday so I took a 2 hour drive both ways after work to join him for a dinner celebration. Then on Friday I jumped in the car and went up to Gainesville,Fl to meet Blair and family to celebrate my mom's graduation. We had a great weekend and then returned home to Melbourne on Sunday. Blair's bday was yesterday, we went out with some friends for dinner tonight and tomorrow is engagement pictures. I am blessed to be too busy to blog. I am really enjoying having Blair here to spend time with and can't wait for her to move down here. Today was my mom's graduation which I could not attend because I didn't have leave to take off from work. Not being there really sucked but I am proud of her and want to give Dr. Deb Wade a big shout out. Whoot Whoot! I promise for those who follow this I will blog a real update soon. I got another present and another stalker to tell everyone about. Until then, everyone take care and check back soon.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Not much
So this is just a small post with a couple updates:
1st: My first stalker present arrived. This is no joke. I received a teeth whitening kit this week that I definitely did not order. My fans want me to have that Hollywood smile. I can't blame them, nobody wants to have dreams of a Mc. dreamy hunk man meat (thats me) with yellow teeth. The only lead on who the stalker may be is they have to like clean teeth. Miriam?
2nd: I have a light in my house I can not turn off. I am a horrible engineer. This is truly sad. I had to look up instructions on how to use this light switch and I still can't get it worked out. You push it once they dim, you push it again they brighten, you hold it you set a timer that doesn't turn them off. I give up. I am just going to call it my security system now.
3rd: Modified quote from a beer commercial, "I once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels". Once, more like a million times. I so love awkward moments.
4th: Most people that even bother to read this blog are firm believers in the Lord. I ask you to lift up some prayers for a friend of mine. I don't care to get into details but they could use a good word with the man upstairs.
5th: James Taylor is amazing. I would certainly contemplate cutting off fingers or toes to have his voice. I will probably start posting music every once and a while on my blog just because it is one of my passions. So we'll start with the great JT and a song to live life by
Sorry for not being the usual joke filled blog but just not feeling that way today. Sure I will have some new material within the next week. Keep checking back and please keep commenting. It makes me feel like someone actually cares if I keep this going. Also, if you have music that you feel is worthy to make the spotlight on the blog send it to me through comment or Facebook and we will see if I agree with you.
1st: My first stalker present arrived. This is no joke. I received a teeth whitening kit this week that I definitely did not order. My fans want me to have that Hollywood smile. I can't blame them, nobody wants to have dreams of a Mc. dreamy hunk man meat (thats me) with yellow teeth. The only lead on who the stalker may be is they have to like clean teeth. Miriam?
2nd: I have a light in my house I can not turn off. I am a horrible engineer. This is truly sad. I had to look up instructions on how to use this light switch and I still can't get it worked out. You push it once they dim, you push it again they brighten, you hold it you set a timer that doesn't turn them off. I give up. I am just going to call it my security system now.
3rd: Modified quote from a beer commercial, "I once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels". Once, more like a million times. I so love awkward moments.
4th: Most people that even bother to read this blog are firm believers in the Lord. I ask you to lift up some prayers for a friend of mine. I don't care to get into details but they could use a good word with the man upstairs.
5th: James Taylor is amazing. I would certainly contemplate cutting off fingers or toes to have his voice. I will probably start posting music every once and a while on my blog just because it is one of my passions. So we'll start with the great JT and a song to live life by
Sorry for not being the usual joke filled blog but just not feeling that way today. Sure I will have some new material within the next week. Keep checking back and please keep commenting. It makes me feel like someone actually cares if I keep this going. Also, if you have music that you feel is worthy to make the spotlight on the blog send it to me through comment or Facebook and we will see if I agree with you.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Embarrassment is 4ft tall and 76 yrs old
This weekend is my long weekend. This is by far one of the greatest details of my job. I get every other Friday off. The only curse is now a regular weekend feels too short but I can deal with this problem. Yesterday I used my day off to go to the doctor. I needed to go get checked out for a hernia (had been working out a couple weeks ago and heard a pop, oops). So I am sitting there and the Doctor walks in. He starts asking whats wrong and I explain my situation. He then starts asking a lot of health history questions. It slowly turns from family history to personal questions (which understandably are important but funny to answer).
Doc-"Have you ever had any STD's"
Me-"Ya"
Doc-"What was it"
Me-"Your Mother gave me Gonorrhea! Ooooo, you just got faced" As I place my palm towards my face then shove it into his face to symbolize the "you got faced" insult.
This was hilarious because me and my doc go way back (this was the first time I have ever met this doctor).
After the check-up I was diagnosed with 2 small hernias but told not to worry and live my life like usual.
TV transition where picture waves like a pepple dropped into a pond and harp music plays
DAY OF THE RACE
Today I ran a 5k. For those of you not familiar with this distance it is like 3 times longer than a 1/2 marathon. I was a little worried about how I would perform due to my recently diagnosed hernias. I have been taking it easy the last couple weeks concerned that I would hurt myself (good excuse to be lazy). I woke up ready to go at 6:30AM. Then I hit the snooze and woke up late at 7AM. Race started at 8AM. I got up, ate breakfast and was out the door. Made it downtown with time to spare. Did my warm up and got loose. To my amazement 1500 people had shown up to watch me run as well (some of these people decided to run ahead of me so that they would be able to watch me cross the finish line). I lined up under the 8 min mile mark because last 5k I ran ~24:30, with foresight I would have started with the walkers. Some genius decided that the race should go across the intercoastal waterway up a very large bridge and then as soon as we crossed the bridge, turn around and torture ourselves some more. I believe this person was either drunk when they designed this race course or is some one who hates people that participate in these events. The first mile went well. I was passing people but well behind pace for another 24 minute finish. This was OK because I was running up hill this time so I justified it and pushed on. The first mile was completed at the top of the first crossing of the bridge. Mentally I felt like I was halfway there. I continued a decent pace to the bottom of the bridge and grabbed some water at the turn. I believe there was a little bit of concrete and horse tranquilizers mixed into that water because as soon as I made the turn and headed back up the bridge for the last climb I hit a wall. Here is when the embarrassment started. Those of you familiar with the area I live in would know that there is a large retired population. This factors in because that means there are several grandparents running in this race. As I crawl up the bridge I get passed by a senior citizen group. I thought about faking a cramp and falling into them to slow them down but realized this could break 2-3 hips which would really make things worse if they still beat me.
The next noticeable person that passed me had his ipod blasting so loud I could make out what he was listening to - "Mission Impossible" Theme song. I actually laughed out loud at this point because not only was I experiencing mission impossible but I thought this wasn't the best choice of motivational music. I did make a mental note to bring music next time. Something like "Eye of the Tiger" or a classic motivational song like "You're Unstoppable" that gets me so pumped I could run through walls. I hear this is what Auburn blasts in the locker room before games. Please note the awesome American Idol and America's Best Dance Crew pictures incorporated in the following video. I agree with the creator of this video. Those accomplishments are just as great as a couple of the other people pictured (winning 6 NBA championships or winning the most gold medals in a single Olympic Games, the best golfer in history, fastest man alive). Also, there is nothing as unstoppable as 2 giant dolphins swimming around the Earth in outer space(1:46).
After realizing I was handicapped by not having music, having hernias, and being demoralized by old people, I pulled everything together and gave it my all one last time. With the finish line in sight and feeling good I felt like nothing could stand in my way. Then a pack of ~10 year old kids all 4ft or shorter come sprinting by me (at this point anything was a sprint). I had once again been broken down mentally and been humbled about my age. I will no longer be that guy that old and young wish they could be. I am that guy with the cramp in the middle of the pack running with all the adults that don't realize their shorts are way too short or tight. Its OK. When i finally finished in 28:45 I made sure to catch up with those kids and brag about the free beer I was given for completing the race. That's right. They had bottles of water, fruit, and tapped kegs at the finish line. Nothing like running 3 miles then cracking open a beer at 8:30 in the morning. On an up note, I finished 21st in my age group. I don't know how many people competed in my age group but that means I was a top 25 finisher which is respectable even if there were only 21 people entered.
I will finish by proving that blogging about something doesn't make it yours, true, or that you invented it. For finishing 21st in my group I was awarded abunchtrillion dollars. They said it would be deposited in my bank account when business opens on Monday.
Doc-"Have you ever had any STD's"
Me-"Ya"
Doc-"What was it"
Me-"Your Mother gave me Gonorrhea! Ooooo, you just got faced" As I place my palm towards my face then shove it into his face to symbolize the "you got faced" insult.
This was hilarious because me and my doc go way back (this was the first time I have ever met this doctor).
After the check-up I was diagnosed with 2 small hernias but told not to worry and live my life like usual.
TV transition where picture waves like a pepple dropped into a pond and harp music plays
DAY OF THE RACE
Today I ran a 5k. For those of you not familiar with this distance it is like 3 times longer than a 1/2 marathon. I was a little worried about how I would perform due to my recently diagnosed hernias. I have been taking it easy the last couple weeks concerned that I would hurt myself (good excuse to be lazy). I woke up ready to go at 6:30AM. Then I hit the snooze and woke up late at 7AM. Race started at 8AM. I got up, ate breakfast and was out the door. Made it downtown with time to spare. Did my warm up and got loose. To my amazement 1500 people had shown up to watch me run as well (some of these people decided to run ahead of me so that they would be able to watch me cross the finish line). I lined up under the 8 min mile mark because last 5k I ran ~24:30, with foresight I would have started with the walkers. Some genius decided that the race should go across the intercoastal waterway up a very large bridge and then as soon as we crossed the bridge, turn around and torture ourselves some more. I believe this person was either drunk when they designed this race course or is some one who hates people that participate in these events. The first mile went well. I was passing people but well behind pace for another 24 minute finish. This was OK because I was running up hill this time so I justified it and pushed on. The first mile was completed at the top of the first crossing of the bridge. Mentally I felt like I was halfway there. I continued a decent pace to the bottom of the bridge and grabbed some water at the turn. I believe there was a little bit of concrete and horse tranquilizers mixed into that water because as soon as I made the turn and headed back up the bridge for the last climb I hit a wall. Here is when the embarrassment started. Those of you familiar with the area I live in would know that there is a large retired population. This factors in because that means there are several grandparents running in this race. As I crawl up the bridge I get passed by a senior citizen group. I thought about faking a cramp and falling into them to slow them down but realized this could break 2-3 hips which would really make things worse if they still beat me.
The next noticeable person that passed me had his ipod blasting so loud I could make out what he was listening to - "Mission Impossible" Theme song. I actually laughed out loud at this point because not only was I experiencing mission impossible but I thought this wasn't the best choice of motivational music. I did make a mental note to bring music next time. Something like "Eye of the Tiger" or a classic motivational song like "You're Unstoppable" that gets me so pumped I could run through walls. I hear this is what Auburn blasts in the locker room before games. Please note the awesome American Idol and America's Best Dance Crew pictures incorporated in the following video. I agree with the creator of this video. Those accomplishments are just as great as a couple of the other people pictured (winning 6 NBA championships or winning the most gold medals in a single Olympic Games, the best golfer in history, fastest man alive). Also, there is nothing as unstoppable as 2 giant dolphins swimming around the Earth in outer space(1:46).
After realizing I was handicapped by not having music, having hernias, and being demoralized by old people, I pulled everything together and gave it my all one last time. With the finish line in sight and feeling good I felt like nothing could stand in my way. Then a pack of ~10 year old kids all 4ft or shorter come sprinting by me (at this point anything was a sprint). I had once again been broken down mentally and been humbled about my age. I will no longer be that guy that old and young wish they could be. I am that guy with the cramp in the middle of the pack running with all the adults that don't realize their shorts are way too short or tight. Its OK. When i finally finished in 28:45 I made sure to catch up with those kids and brag about the free beer I was given for completing the race. That's right. They had bottles of water, fruit, and tapped kegs at the finish line. Nothing like running 3 miles then cracking open a beer at 8:30 in the morning. On an up note, I finished 21st in my age group. I don't know how many people competed in my age group but that means I was a top 25 finisher which is respectable even if there were only 21 people entered.
I will finish by proving that blogging about something doesn't make it yours, true, or that you invented it. For finishing 21st in my group I was awarded abunchtrillion dollars. They said it would be deposited in my bank account when business opens on Monday.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Vay K
Today's blog is brought to you by the letter 15 and the color invisible. Today's blog is also written in an English accent. There will be no attempt to write with an English accent but I wanted you to know that my internal voice, that the doctor says is becoming much stronger and scares him, decided to dictate this blog in an English accent.
Blair and I officially have a honeymoon booked (officially is not entirely accurate because i have submitted payment but not received confirmation yet, that is suppose to come tomorrow). We will be traveling to tropical Omaha,Nebraska. Ok, totally joking. I wish I new somebody from Omaha so they could get mad that their city is a joke and then I would be like "Well, it is" then punch them in the face. But if it was a girl I wouldn't punch her in the face, I would spray her with a whole bottle of axe spray that way everyone would think she was a freak and random mobs of girls would attack her and rip her clothes off like in the commercials.
Back to the subject, Blair and i will be renting a small country in central america. The bad economy is very unfortunate but great for purchasing timeshares from governments. We were going to go to Texas but then I remembered that it wasn't in central america but just looked like it because it bordered Mexico. Instead we will be traveling to Costa Rica. I will make sure to blog every five minutes while we are there because I plan on paying a local kid to follow me around and type out every word I speak. This will almost be like mind blogging which was something that I patented a couple of years ago and plan to enforce my patent if ever challenged. The reason I mention all this is because it is 6 months before you will need to be fluent in Costa Rican. Thats what the kid that I am paying speaks and more importantly types. It will also be what the monkey I steal will most likely type. This is an important detail because the monkey will be writing my blogs as soon as we get back.
Example monkey blog:
Inner voice imagines strong mexican accent like the Jalapeno on a stick.
"Man, what a long day. I rode Roxie, Matt and Blair's Lab mix, around the house all day like a Vaquero. And then when my master gets home he makes me type these stupid blogs. He then mocks me like I am a gorilla by scratching his armpits and dancing around with high knees. After that he takes two bananas, peels them, hands me one, and cheers them like they were late night alcohol caps. I am then dressed in my one piece pajamas with footies and a button up butt flap and Matt tucks me into a empty tissue box in his half opened sock drawer. I guess life isn't so bad but I plan to run away to Omaha,Nebraska where I hear it is extremely lame."
Thats all folks.
Blair and I officially have a honeymoon booked (officially is not entirely accurate because i have submitted payment but not received confirmation yet, that is suppose to come tomorrow). We will be traveling to tropical Omaha,Nebraska. Ok, totally joking. I wish I new somebody from Omaha so they could get mad that their city is a joke and then I would be like "Well, it is" then punch them in the face. But if it was a girl I wouldn't punch her in the face, I would spray her with a whole bottle of axe spray that way everyone would think she was a freak and random mobs of girls would attack her and rip her clothes off like in the commercials.
Back to the subject, Blair and i will be renting a small country in central america. The bad economy is very unfortunate but great for purchasing timeshares from governments. We were going to go to Texas but then I remembered that it wasn't in central america but just looked like it because it bordered Mexico. Instead we will be traveling to Costa Rica. I will make sure to blog every five minutes while we are there because I plan on paying a local kid to follow me around and type out every word I speak. This will almost be like mind blogging which was something that I patented a couple of years ago and plan to enforce my patent if ever challenged. The reason I mention all this is because it is 6 months before you will need to be fluent in Costa Rican. Thats what the kid that I am paying speaks and more importantly types. It will also be what the monkey I steal will most likely type. This is an important detail because the monkey will be writing my blogs as soon as we get back.
Example monkey blog:
Inner voice imagines strong mexican accent like the Jalapeno on a stick.
"Man, what a long day. I rode Roxie, Matt and Blair's Lab mix, around the house all day like a Vaquero. And then when my master gets home he makes me type these stupid blogs. He then mocks me like I am a gorilla by scratching his armpits and dancing around with high knees. After that he takes two bananas, peels them, hands me one, and cheers them like they were late night alcohol caps. I am then dressed in my one piece pajamas with footies and a button up butt flap and Matt tucks me into a empty tissue box in his half opened sock drawer. I guess life isn't so bad but I plan to run away to Omaha,Nebraska where I hear it is extremely lame."
Thats all folks.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
First Stalkers
For those faithful followers (meaning those who have read both posts), you may have noticed I didn't blog yesterday. I know that probably made your case of the Mondays even worse. I apologize but I am not a machine. The last thing we all need is me coming down with a case of carpal tunnel syndrome. But in all honesty, I didn't blog yesterday because when I checked my bank account I did not see any deposits. I guess none of you sent your checks to pay for your subscriptions. I will continue to blog but FYI, I expect those by the end of next week. Entertainment isn't free and neither is the crap that I spit out.
"The internet killed the movie,tv, and radio star"
Today I tasted the dark side of stardom. I had a feeling that I might end up like Chris Crocker or Tila Tequila (you know, extremely famous and classy at the same time. I also figured VH1 would be calling me to do a dating show where I made out with lesbians while wearing a bikini but I had already decided to turn that one down. Not due to moral high ground but figured I could make more money if I premeried on the silver screen over cable television.) But I had no idea I would reach celebrity status after 2 posts. I have shocked myself. You are probably asking, "Matt, how do you know you are so famous other than your celebrity good looks and your beautiful fiance that belongs on the red carpet?" The answer, I have a stalker (I really wanted to say I saw myself on TMZ). My stalker decided to try to become me today. That is right, I experienced identity theft for the first time in my life. I did what any other celebrity would do in this situation, called my agent . And by agent I mean my credit card company. After practicing my dance moves to their awesome elevator music for 10 minutes, I had the joy of hearing about all the gifts my stalker had bought me. He went all out by spending ~$200 in small <$5 purchases in probably 8 states. I don't know when I will recieve my gifts but I am recieving a new card in the mail in 7 days. This scares me because I now know I can't just go out and eat whenever I want. I can't just go to the grocery store and act like a normal person. I have a stalker and will probably have to check into getting a body guard. For those sane fans/followers that are reading this post, I have a request. If I don't post for 4-5 days, please call, or email, or facebook check on me. I could very well be kidnapped or worse, I could just be lazy and realized I don't have any stalkers (Most likely the first option).
Now you know the rest of the story.
"The internet killed the movie,tv, and radio star"
Today I tasted the dark side of stardom. I had a feeling that I might end up like Chris Crocker or Tila Tequila (you know, extremely famous and classy at the same time. I also figured VH1 would be calling me to do a dating show where I made out with lesbians while wearing a bikini but I had already decided to turn that one down. Not due to moral high ground but figured I could make more money if I premeried on the silver screen over cable television.) But I had no idea I would reach celebrity status after 2 posts. I have shocked myself. You are probably asking, "Matt, how do you know you are so famous other than your celebrity good looks and your beautiful fiance that belongs on the red carpet?" The answer, I have a stalker (I really wanted to say I saw myself on TMZ). My stalker decided to try to become me today. That is right, I experienced identity theft for the first time in my life. I did what any other celebrity would do in this situation, called my agent . And by agent I mean my credit card company. After practicing my dance moves to their awesome elevator music for 10 minutes, I had the joy of hearing about all the gifts my stalker had bought me. He went all out by spending ~$200 in small <$5 purchases in probably 8 states. I don't know when I will recieve my gifts but I am recieving a new card in the mail in 7 days. This scares me because I now know I can't just go out and eat whenever I want. I can't just go to the grocery store and act like a normal person. I have a stalker and will probably have to check into getting a body guard. For those sane fans/followers that are reading this post, I have a request. If I don't post for 4-5 days, please call, or email, or facebook check on me. I could very well be kidnapped or worse, I could just be lazy and realized I don't have any stalkers (Most likely the first option).
Now you know the rest of the story.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Son of a Beach
First off, we must acknowledge my incredible creativity to be the first person to use the play on words "Son of a Beach". Genius! I can't believe no one else has ever thought of this. I must be blowing your mind. Now that you have probably recovered from that moment of awe let me apologize for the personal bragging that I may do in my posts. I look up to myself so I have to build myself up to be a better person than I am. To the meat of this thing:
Today I was blessed to be invited to the beach by some coworkers. I am blessed because I live 5 minutes from the beach and I finally had something to do other than sit on my couch and watch sports on TV (ironic side note, I am now back home laying on my couch and watching NBA playoffs). While we were at the beach a group of drunk people stretched out a large roll of plastic and created a slip-n-slide into the ocean. This quickly turned into the main entertainment on the beach. As we and 50 other beach goers gathered around, the limelight caused the slip-n-sliders to step up their game. We now had a human bowling lane with audience gutters and it wasn't long before people were the pins at the end of the lane. Drunk people should not be running down slippery surfaces. Girls were falling left and right. Guys who were made of nothing but muscle were riding other muscle-heads like surfboards (this was by far the most applauded move). Every once and a while people would forget that when they slid in large groups that they all ended up slamming into each other at the other end. This created one of those moments that you knew someone was going to get hurt but you couldn't look away. That brings us to the last slider. A young guy that seemed to be too drunk to walk decided to run instead. As he went into the classic rocker slide both his knees dug into the sand below causing his forward moment to shift into a full out face plant. After the intial gasp from the crowd there was relief as we realized he was too drunk to get hurt. That relief turned into laughter as he fell in the following two attempts to get up. The laughes were probably encouraged due to the fall exposing his bare butt smiling to the crowd. This was the straw that broke the lifeguards back, he finally broke out of his amazed spectator position and realized it was his job to break this event up.
What did this teach me today:
1)People love to watch other people get hurt as long as it isn't permanent damage. It's like the classic "America's Funniest Home Videos" where dad always gets hit in the crotch. A classic laugh each time as long as you aren't that dad.
2)Drunk people have an amazing ability to sacrifice bodily harm to avoid spilling a classic american beer or drop a classy cigarette. Even the guy who's extreme face plant ended the cirque du soleil of drunks had his beer and cigerrete intact when he finally recovered from his total of 3 falls.
Today I was blessed to be invited to the beach by some coworkers. I am blessed because I live 5 minutes from the beach and I finally had something to do other than sit on my couch and watch sports on TV (ironic side note, I am now back home laying on my couch and watching NBA playoffs). While we were at the beach a group of drunk people stretched out a large roll of plastic and created a slip-n-slide into the ocean. This quickly turned into the main entertainment on the beach. As we and 50 other beach goers gathered around, the limelight caused the slip-n-sliders to step up their game. We now had a human bowling lane with audience gutters and it wasn't long before people were the pins at the end of the lane. Drunk people should not be running down slippery surfaces. Girls were falling left and right. Guys who were made of nothing but muscle were riding other muscle-heads like surfboards (this was by far the most applauded move). Every once and a while people would forget that when they slid in large groups that they all ended up slamming into each other at the other end. This created one of those moments that you knew someone was going to get hurt but you couldn't look away. That brings us to the last slider. A young guy that seemed to be too drunk to walk decided to run instead. As he went into the classic rocker slide both his knees dug into the sand below causing his forward moment to shift into a full out face plant. After the intial gasp from the crowd there was relief as we realized he was too drunk to get hurt. That relief turned into laughter as he fell in the following two attempts to get up. The laughes were probably encouraged due to the fall exposing his bare butt smiling to the crowd. This was the straw that broke the lifeguards back, he finally broke out of his amazed spectator position and realized it was his job to break this event up.
What did this teach me today:
1)People love to watch other people get hurt as long as it isn't permanent damage. It's like the classic "America's Funniest Home Videos" where dad always gets hit in the crotch. A classic laugh each time as long as you aren't that dad.
2)Drunk people have an amazing ability to sacrifice bodily harm to avoid spilling a classic american beer or drop a classy cigarette. Even the guy who's extreme face plant ended the cirque du soleil of drunks had his beer and cigerrete intact when he finally recovered from his total of 3 falls.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Blogging Virgin
So this is my first post and many old friends and some creepy old perverts searching for "To Catch A Predator" chat sites will probably read this and ask themselves "Why do I always surf the internet without pants on?". And then they will ask "Why should I follow Matt Wade's blog?". The answer is because if I commit to this thing it will soon become your dirty little sin. You will run home from work not wondering who poked you on Facebook but rather did Matt skip work faking a death in the family so that he could blog on company bereavement pay. And the answer will most likely be no. He blogged from work on his iPhone because then he can fake a family death for something more meaningful like 1/2 priced wings day at Hooters. So although I can't promise you that I am going to blog everyday or even once a year, I can promise you that when I do it will blow your mind, like the time you realized Bruce Willis was dead the whole movie of Sixth Sense, or that the little girl in Signs had a thing about drinking water for a reason, or that time that the you realized all those people lived in a reserve and faked the monsters to keep their kids at home, or that time that the trees were killing the people because they were jealous that we could talk and walk around and they have to just sit there in the ground and make oxygen for us. And then after they do that we will probably cut them up into paper to print Matt's blog on because you want to fold it up and place it in your shirt pocket close to your heart like soldiers do with their letters to loved ones. But if you can take one thing away from this first blog it should be that I will never spend money to go see another M. Night Shyamalan movie in theaters because they always throw me out for not having pants on. And thats your twist in this story. Good day
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