Old and ashamed

Yesterday I left straight from work to meet some random guys from work to play flag football. After reading Eric's blog I found out that this grants me a punch on my Man Card. I imagine you receive 9 punches on your man card then you get 1 freebie. That freebie could then be used to do something very feminine without repercussions. I plan on redeeming mine to wear a pair of gauchos pants. Those things look so comfortable. (By the way I have a whole room full of man cards that I am saving for retirement so that I can mess with the public at large. I could pull some awesome old man pranks if I have no shame) Back to the football: So I showed up and didn't know anyone. I introduced myself and went through the scouting session. They wanted to know if I had any skills. I don't like to brag but I will so that there is more to read. I played like a Heisman trophy winner. Not really but I did play pretty well only throwing 1 horrible pass (so bad that everyone including me instantly started laughing) and missed 1 catch. I finished with 1 of the 4 touchdowns (had another but they lied and said I was tackled before the goal line). Today they sent out another email stating how well the new guy played and about the next game in 2 weeks. I can't wait. If anyone remembers playing with me in college on the intramural fields they know how much I love football. Well today I am paying for my fun. My hips, back, and legs hurt. This is probably because I haven't run/worked out in about 1 month. I have let things slide recently but about to get back on the bandwagon. Thinking about joining the gym so that I can start swimming again. Will probably go sign up next week. Few people know that I am a mini Michael Phelps.

The ashamed part of the title comes in now. Today is the spelling bee on ESPN. I hate this because every single kid in that competition is a better speller than me and I have a college degree. The only thing worse then my spelling is probably my grammar. I need to teach my monkey perfect grammar and make him memorize the dictionary/thesaurus. Then I could sneak him in to work and we could hang 24/7.


This is an actual picture of me in Gauchos.
I want to apologize to all the good writers and spellers that read this blog that suffer through my writing. I hope that it is worth it.

Rod Stewart is a Robot

I switched over to American Idol during a basketball timeout and realized that Rod Stewart is a robot. I also witnessed one of KISS' guitar players try to smash his guitar and missed the floor on two consecutive swings because his heels made him so tall that his arms weren't long enough to make contact between the floor and the guitar. Pretty funny to watch old people rock out because they think they are still cool but they aren't. Go Cavs!! They are going to win the title this year. I leave you with this quote, "Man, I sure hope that this milk is in date because I can't afford to make twelve trips to California for the grapes that your uncle Sarah asked for due to his/her recent rash that showed up underneath your seventh solo during Shark week on the 4th and 1/2 of December." You guys remember that line? I cry everytime I watch Rudy.

I am going to go see Terminator tomorrow. And I can't wait for this movie,



I love Andy Galifianakis and hope that my bachelor party later this year has stories like this.

waterproof computer = future blogs

Just wanted to update everybody about my life over the last couple days.
- My head shots that Blair and I took are on their way. We got some samples and I believe my stalkers are going to like them very much.

- My sprinkler system broke about 3 weeks ago and my grass started dying because in Florida you have to water you grass every other day for it will to die. Ironically, they have watering restrictions (that I have noticed nobody follows) that would kill your grass anyways. However, yesterday the stars aligned and we got rain for the first time in forever and it hasn't stopped. When I got off work I went straight to Home Depot to buy wood for the ark I have began to build. Right now it looks more like the raft from Cast Away. My monkey is filling in for Wilson. I am going to wear a snorkel and fins to bed tonight and we will see how this turns out. We have probably got 7 inches of ran in the last 48 hrs and we are forecasted for 8+ more in the next 48hrs.

-The best thing about the rain is that I can say I am watering my grass at any moment during the day and it satisfies my daily chores around the house. Thus I get to lay on my couch as soon as I get home (I usually do this anyways but now I don't have any guilty feelings).

-I am going tux shopping for the wedding and although I know I would never be allowed to wear anything crazy at the actual wedding, I am really hoping to try on a "dumb and dumber" tux just for photo opt. It will posted if it happens.

-My shopping list from K-mart yesterday: pack of gum, 20 oz. Orange Slice, Bag of Tostitos, Mr. Clean dust pan for work (can't stand how dirty my office floor is and they refuse to clean it), and 3pack of adjustable crescent wrenches.

-I have decided to take clothes off in every room in my house this week and leave them in the floor. I am calling it a laundrycation. I don't know why I am rebelling from placing dirty clothes in a localized hamper but I am rebelling. Rebelling against myself since I live alone. I believe tomorrow I will ground myself, give myself a spanking, and force myself to wash all those clothes so that I can pack for the weekend. I will then probably feel guilty and take myself out for ice cream to make up for yelling at myself. I have a love-hate relationship with myself. Mainly love.

Glee the new show on Fox has potential. Maybe I am still on a Camp Fwala high from the recent video posts on Facebook. I believe original cast should perform Camp Fwala when all members are in their 40's. Does anyone have video of Fwala?

Coldplay

Just writing about the concert:

Coldplay was amazing. So worth going down to see them. I made it to the concert before they opened the lawn so we got pretty good seats and it was a nice venue (typical covered seats with open lawn behind it but they had screen for the lawn to watch). We started just relaxing waiting for the openers. Weather was great. The first opener was not that great and then Pete Yorn came on. He didn't really get it done for me either but he set the mood and the crowd really started pouring in during his set. During Pete Yorn's set my butt started hurting from sitting so I laid down and just stared into the sky listening to music. It was very relaxing and really cleared my mind from the hectic work week I had. While laying down, an older couple brought their chairs and sat down in a spot that was barely big enough for both of them. Thanks for crowding me. These people were old enough to be my parents. After they got settled I noticed the lady decided to light up a cigarette. But while laying there people watching I realized she wasn't smoking this like a regular cigarette (chin down, quick lights, and cig covered in whole hand). The old couple came to smoke a joint. They were the first pot heads of the night. Shortly after Coldplay started their set and instantly the rest of the lawn lit up and produced a nice cloud of marijuana.

Coldplay put on a great show. The crowd was very into it and sang along a lot. Viva la Vida was fun to sing along with. They use lasers, and blow up balloons, and paper butterflies, and live video editing to keep you entertained. I was tripping from the light shows without smokin' so I can only imagine what the experience was like with "sense enhancement". I really enjoyed all the songs but "Lovers in Japan" and "Yellow" were definitely the best of the night. If you are not familiar with these songs they are posted below. At the end of the night Chris Martin, lead singer who gives his all into the performance, announced we were all going to receive a free copy of their new CD "Left Right Left Right Left". Sure enough as we walked out they were passing them out to each outstretched hand. Great ending to one of the best concerts I have ever seen. As Lacey as already posted on her blog, you can download it for free from their website. But please note that i had it before you did because I am like this "" with the band. (I crossed my fingers inside the quotes and moved them in a "more than friends" manner).

Hotchores

That's right. I am going to see Coldplay but I decided to right it in opposite speak. I bought a ticket to go see them in West Palm Beach this Friday. Leaving right after work. I am excited. A present to myself. I hope they are as good as I have heard they are. When buying my ticket I had to type in one of those squiggly letter messages to confirm it was me. I had to type the word "ovulate" and then a 9 digit number. I am hoping that this means the show is going to be orgasmic. I wasn't trying to be dirty. Live Nation started it. That is all. Just bragging about my concert tix. For those in/near Atl they will be playing a show there on Sunday then for those in/near Bham they play on Monday.

Godzilla eats a chihuahua

First I am going to explain my title. When first opening my browser I was going to title this post "I'm back". Then for some reason I thought of Godzilla storming down the main street of a New York. Everyone was running away screaming and Godzilla picks out a little chihuahua from the crowd and picks it up by its little backpack it was wearing. It then proceeds to throw it into the air, 3 flips, and a clean swallow.

Wow, where do I begin. It has been like 2 weeks. Lets start with how popular I am.
I am so popular I now have 2 stalkers. That's right my fan club of identity thieves has grown to 2. Monday (5/4/2009, my fiancee's birthday) I received a call from a 1-877 number. When I returned the call the lady told me that she had more information about the government grants that I signed up for on the Internet. I told her, no she didn't and told her to shove it. I don't want your deutsche markies. Blair and I then googled the number and found a word for word account of the conversation I had with the lady and description of how it was a scam. (Is googled not in the dictionary yet? I thought they added that but spell check thinks not. I know impetrable is. Impetrable is when something can't penetrate something else. I am impetrable and unpressable.) After realizing that I trying to be scammed I wanted to check my credit cards prior to going out to dinner for Blair's bday. That's when I found a match.com charge on my account. Although I know match.com wants me to join, this had not been authorized by me. I called the credit card company and found out that they had also tried to charge $250 in flowers multiple times as well as Yahoo Personal charges. These people needed some loving or I have a girlfriend on the side that I couldn't tell Blair about on her birthday. I am going with the first option since Blair follows my blog. I closed the account and then sent the fan an autographed photo of my pet monkey (I couldn't wait till Costa Rica. After blogging about my monkey I had to find one on eBay and he arrived in a shoebox with holes punched in it yesterday).

Gifts:
Without switching subjects, how great I am, lets move to the gifts I have been showered with. As you all know, I was originally given a teeth whitening kit. Then later that week I received my second gift. My second gift was a bottle of weight loss pills. This is when I knew I had gone Hollywood. My fans needed me to have perfect teeth and wanted me to be really skinny. I imagine I will look a little like the Olsen twins before the wedding.

If my fans send me more pills I will shoot for the Ally McBeal look.
I then received a third gift, an eBay home business CD. It is clear that my fans want me to free myself from my 8-5 that way I can commit more to my blog. This is understandable. How can I get that skinny if I am not throwing up, working out, throwing up, then blogging about how fat I am. They have my best interest in mind.

Engagement Pictures:
I know most of you read my last post and said "Engagement pictures! I hope Matt makes a calendar!!!". I hate to disappoint so I just may have to make a calendar that would be on sale for 76 easy payments of $76. Previews later if I get bored.
In response to Eric's comment- No we didn't take pictures at the petting zoo although I agree. That would be a great location. Where else could you get a kiss on both cheeks. One from your Lover (said like Will Ferrell from SNL skit where he makes out with lady all the time) and a goat on the other cheek. Since this suggestion was not made prior to our engagement pictures we took our pictures at the only logical place when living on the coast, the strip club. Blair got some gorgeous pictures hanging upside down on the pole and I was working it with my spin moves. I have been going to the stripper workout classes at the gym. I am the only guy there but I fit in because we are all wearing women's lingerie (Matt whispers in your ear, "thongs"). Of course we know that is not true except for the workout classes. We really took pictures on the beach and I was very Fabioish. Except for all the hair and muscles. I am sure you will see some of them when they leak on TMZ.

To end today I leave you with some music,
This is a song that I considered for Blair's and my first dance for a while. We chose a great more upbeat song instead. But this is a Ben Harper tribute since I love him and he recently played a free concert in Auburn. Everyone I knew that is still in Auburn went to the concert, oh wait, no they didn't and I will never let them live it down. But they had really good excuses, oh wait, no they didn't. They had really really really really really lame excuses. I wanted to continue to type really but I am hungry and I am going to eat dinner. Good day .



For those not interested in the above song, here is a Beatles' cover. I just realized how similar this sounds to the Across the Universe version. Great movie. Might watch that this weekend.

Just checking in

So I have been MIA for a week now and I apologize. I had a crazy week last week, best friend graduated on Thursday so I took a 2 hour drive both ways after work to join him for a dinner celebration. Then on Friday I jumped in the car and went up to Gainesville,Fl to meet Blair and family to celebrate my mom's graduation. We had a great weekend and then returned home to Melbourne on Sunday. Blair's bday was yesterday, we went out with some friends for dinner tonight and tomorrow is engagement pictures. I am blessed to be too busy to blog. I am really enjoying having Blair here to spend time with and can't wait for her to move down here. Today was my mom's graduation which I could not attend because I didn't have leave to take off from work. Not being there really sucked but I am proud of her and want to give Dr. Deb Wade a big shout out. Whoot Whoot! I promise for those who follow this I will blog a real update soon. I got another present and another stalker to tell everyone about. Until then, everyone take care and check back soon.