So this is just a small post with a couple updates:
1st: My first stalker present arrived. This is no joke. I received a teeth whitening kit this week that I definitely did not order. My fans want me to have that Hollywood smile. I can't blame them, nobody wants to have dreams of a Mc. dreamy hunk man meat (thats me) with yellow teeth. The only lead on who the stalker may be is they have to like clean teeth. Miriam?
2nd: I have a light in my house I can not turn off. I am a horrible engineer. This is truly sad. I had to look up instructions on how to use this light switch and I still can't get it worked out. You push it once they dim, you push it again they brighten, you hold it you set a timer that doesn't turn them off. I give up. I am just going to call it my security system now.
3rd: Modified quote from a beer commercial, "I once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels". Once, more like a million times. I so love awkward moments.
4th: Most people that even bother to read this blog are firm believers in the Lord. I ask you to lift up some prayers for a friend of mine. I don't care to get into details but they could use a good word with the man upstairs.
5th: James Taylor is amazing. I would certainly contemplate cutting off fingers or toes to have his voice. I will probably start posting music every once and a while on my blog just because it is one of my passions. So we'll start with the great JT and a song to live life by
Sorry for not being the usual joke filled blog but just not feeling that way today. Sure I will have some new material within the next week. Keep checking back and please keep commenting. It makes me feel like someone actually cares if I keep this going. Also, if you have music that you feel is worthy to make the spotlight on the blog send it to me through comment or Facebook and we will see if I agree with you.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Embarrassment is 4ft tall and 76 yrs old
This weekend is my long weekend. This is by far one of the greatest details of my job. I get every other Friday off. The only curse is now a regular weekend feels too short but I can deal with this problem. Yesterday I used my day off to go to the doctor. I needed to go get checked out for a hernia (had been working out a couple weeks ago and heard a pop, oops). So I am sitting there and the Doctor walks in. He starts asking whats wrong and I explain my situation. He then starts asking a lot of health history questions. It slowly turns from family history to personal questions (which understandably are important but funny to answer).
Doc-"Have you ever had any STD's"
Me-"Ya"
Doc-"What was it"
Me-"Your Mother gave me Gonorrhea! Ooooo, you just got faced" As I place my palm towards my face then shove it into his face to symbolize the "you got faced" insult.
This was hilarious because me and my doc go way back (this was the first time I have ever met this doctor).
After the check-up I was diagnosed with 2 small hernias but told not to worry and live my life like usual.
TV transition where picture waves like a pepple dropped into a pond and harp music plays
DAY OF THE RACE
Today I ran a 5k. For those of you not familiar with this distance it is like 3 times longer than a 1/2 marathon. I was a little worried about how I would perform due to my recently diagnosed hernias. I have been taking it easy the last couple weeks concerned that I would hurt myself (good excuse to be lazy). I woke up ready to go at 6:30AM. Then I hit the snooze and woke up late at 7AM. Race started at 8AM. I got up, ate breakfast and was out the door. Made it downtown with time to spare. Did my warm up and got loose. To my amazement 1500 people had shown up to watch me run as well (some of these people decided to run ahead of me so that they would be able to watch me cross the finish line). I lined up under the 8 min mile mark because last 5k I ran ~24:30, with foresight I would have started with the walkers. Some genius decided that the race should go across the intercoastal waterway up a very large bridge and then as soon as we crossed the bridge, turn around and torture ourselves some more. I believe this person was either drunk when they designed this race course or is some one who hates people that participate in these events. The first mile went well. I was passing people but well behind pace for another 24 minute finish. This was OK because I was running up hill this time so I justified it and pushed on. The first mile was completed at the top of the first crossing of the bridge. Mentally I felt like I was halfway there. I continued a decent pace to the bottom of the bridge and grabbed some water at the turn. I believe there was a little bit of concrete and horse tranquilizers mixed into that water because as soon as I made the turn and headed back up the bridge for the last climb I hit a wall. Here is when the embarrassment started. Those of you familiar with the area I live in would know that there is a large retired population. This factors in because that means there are several grandparents running in this race. As I crawl up the bridge I get passed by a senior citizen group. I thought about faking a cramp and falling into them to slow them down but realized this could break 2-3 hips which would really make things worse if they still beat me.
The next noticeable person that passed me had his ipod blasting so loud I could make out what he was listening to - "Mission Impossible" Theme song. I actually laughed out loud at this point because not only was I experiencing mission impossible but I thought this wasn't the best choice of motivational music. I did make a mental note to bring music next time. Something like "Eye of the Tiger" or a classic motivational song like "You're Unstoppable" that gets me so pumped I could run through walls. I hear this is what Auburn blasts in the locker room before games. Please note the awesome American Idol and America's Best Dance Crew pictures incorporated in the following video. I agree with the creator of this video. Those accomplishments are just as great as a couple of the other people pictured (winning 6 NBA championships or winning the most gold medals in a single Olympic Games, the best golfer in history, fastest man alive). Also, there is nothing as unstoppable as 2 giant dolphins swimming around the Earth in outer space(1:46).
After realizing I was handicapped by not having music, having hernias, and being demoralized by old people, I pulled everything together and gave it my all one last time. With the finish line in sight and feeling good I felt like nothing could stand in my way. Then a pack of ~10 year old kids all 4ft or shorter come sprinting by me (at this point anything was a sprint). I had once again been broken down mentally and been humbled about my age. I will no longer be that guy that old and young wish they could be. I am that guy with the cramp in the middle of the pack running with all the adults that don't realize their shorts are way too short or tight. Its OK. When i finally finished in 28:45 I made sure to catch up with those kids and brag about the free beer I was given for completing the race. That's right. They had bottles of water, fruit, and tapped kegs at the finish line. Nothing like running 3 miles then cracking open a beer at 8:30 in the morning. On an up note, I finished 21st in my age group. I don't know how many people competed in my age group but that means I was a top 25 finisher which is respectable even if there were only 21 people entered.
I will finish by proving that blogging about something doesn't make it yours, true, or that you invented it. For finishing 21st in my group I was awarded abunchtrillion dollars. They said it would be deposited in my bank account when business opens on Monday.
Doc-"Have you ever had any STD's"
Me-"Ya"
Doc-"What was it"
Me-"Your Mother gave me Gonorrhea! Ooooo, you just got faced" As I place my palm towards my face then shove it into his face to symbolize the "you got faced" insult.
This was hilarious because me and my doc go way back (this was the first time I have ever met this doctor).
After the check-up I was diagnosed with 2 small hernias but told not to worry and live my life like usual.
TV transition where picture waves like a pepple dropped into a pond and harp music plays
DAY OF THE RACE
Today I ran a 5k. For those of you not familiar with this distance it is like 3 times longer than a 1/2 marathon. I was a little worried about how I would perform due to my recently diagnosed hernias. I have been taking it easy the last couple weeks concerned that I would hurt myself (good excuse to be lazy). I woke up ready to go at 6:30AM. Then I hit the snooze and woke up late at 7AM. Race started at 8AM. I got up, ate breakfast and was out the door. Made it downtown with time to spare. Did my warm up and got loose. To my amazement 1500 people had shown up to watch me run as well (some of these people decided to run ahead of me so that they would be able to watch me cross the finish line). I lined up under the 8 min mile mark because last 5k I ran ~24:30, with foresight I would have started with the walkers. Some genius decided that the race should go across the intercoastal waterway up a very large bridge and then as soon as we crossed the bridge, turn around and torture ourselves some more. I believe this person was either drunk when they designed this race course or is some one who hates people that participate in these events. The first mile went well. I was passing people but well behind pace for another 24 minute finish. This was OK because I was running up hill this time so I justified it and pushed on. The first mile was completed at the top of the first crossing of the bridge. Mentally I felt like I was halfway there. I continued a decent pace to the bottom of the bridge and grabbed some water at the turn. I believe there was a little bit of concrete and horse tranquilizers mixed into that water because as soon as I made the turn and headed back up the bridge for the last climb I hit a wall. Here is when the embarrassment started. Those of you familiar with the area I live in would know that there is a large retired population. This factors in because that means there are several grandparents running in this race. As I crawl up the bridge I get passed by a senior citizen group. I thought about faking a cramp and falling into them to slow them down but realized this could break 2-3 hips which would really make things worse if they still beat me.
The next noticeable person that passed me had his ipod blasting so loud I could make out what he was listening to - "Mission Impossible" Theme song. I actually laughed out loud at this point because not only was I experiencing mission impossible but I thought this wasn't the best choice of motivational music. I did make a mental note to bring music next time. Something like "Eye of the Tiger" or a classic motivational song like "You're Unstoppable" that gets me so pumped I could run through walls. I hear this is what Auburn blasts in the locker room before games. Please note the awesome American Idol and America's Best Dance Crew pictures incorporated in the following video. I agree with the creator of this video. Those accomplishments are just as great as a couple of the other people pictured (winning 6 NBA championships or winning the most gold medals in a single Olympic Games, the best golfer in history, fastest man alive). Also, there is nothing as unstoppable as 2 giant dolphins swimming around the Earth in outer space(1:46).
After realizing I was handicapped by not having music, having hernias, and being demoralized by old people, I pulled everything together and gave it my all one last time. With the finish line in sight and feeling good I felt like nothing could stand in my way. Then a pack of ~10 year old kids all 4ft or shorter come sprinting by me (at this point anything was a sprint). I had once again been broken down mentally and been humbled about my age. I will no longer be that guy that old and young wish they could be. I am that guy with the cramp in the middle of the pack running with all the adults that don't realize their shorts are way too short or tight. Its OK. When i finally finished in 28:45 I made sure to catch up with those kids and brag about the free beer I was given for completing the race. That's right. They had bottles of water, fruit, and tapped kegs at the finish line. Nothing like running 3 miles then cracking open a beer at 8:30 in the morning. On an up note, I finished 21st in my age group. I don't know how many people competed in my age group but that means I was a top 25 finisher which is respectable even if there were only 21 people entered.
I will finish by proving that blogging about something doesn't make it yours, true, or that you invented it. For finishing 21st in my group I was awarded abunchtrillion dollars. They said it would be deposited in my bank account when business opens on Monday.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Vay K
Today's blog is brought to you by the letter 15 and the color invisible. Today's blog is also written in an English accent. There will be no attempt to write with an English accent but I wanted you to know that my internal voice, that the doctor says is becoming much stronger and scares him, decided to dictate this blog in an English accent.
Blair and I officially have a honeymoon booked (officially is not entirely accurate because i have submitted payment but not received confirmation yet, that is suppose to come tomorrow). We will be traveling to tropical Omaha,Nebraska. Ok, totally joking. I wish I new somebody from Omaha so they could get mad that their city is a joke and then I would be like "Well, it is" then punch them in the face. But if it was a girl I wouldn't punch her in the face, I would spray her with a whole bottle of axe spray that way everyone would think she was a freak and random mobs of girls would attack her and rip her clothes off like in the commercials.
Back to the subject, Blair and i will be renting a small country in central america. The bad economy is very unfortunate but great for purchasing timeshares from governments. We were going to go to Texas but then I remembered that it wasn't in central america but just looked like it because it bordered Mexico. Instead we will be traveling to Costa Rica. I will make sure to blog every five minutes while we are there because I plan on paying a local kid to follow me around and type out every word I speak. This will almost be like mind blogging which was something that I patented a couple of years ago and plan to enforce my patent if ever challenged. The reason I mention all this is because it is 6 months before you will need to be fluent in Costa Rican. Thats what the kid that I am paying speaks and more importantly types. It will also be what the monkey I steal will most likely type. This is an important detail because the monkey will be writing my blogs as soon as we get back.
Example monkey blog:
Inner voice imagines strong mexican accent like the Jalapeno on a stick.
"Man, what a long day. I rode Roxie, Matt and Blair's Lab mix, around the house all day like a Vaquero. And then when my master gets home he makes me type these stupid blogs. He then mocks me like I am a gorilla by scratching his armpits and dancing around with high knees. After that he takes two bananas, peels them, hands me one, and cheers them like they were late night alcohol caps. I am then dressed in my one piece pajamas with footies and a button up butt flap and Matt tucks me into a empty tissue box in his half opened sock drawer. I guess life isn't so bad but I plan to run away to Omaha,Nebraska where I hear it is extremely lame."
Thats all folks.
Blair and I officially have a honeymoon booked (officially is not entirely accurate because i have submitted payment but not received confirmation yet, that is suppose to come tomorrow). We will be traveling to tropical Omaha,Nebraska. Ok, totally joking. I wish I new somebody from Omaha so they could get mad that their city is a joke and then I would be like "Well, it is" then punch them in the face. But if it was a girl I wouldn't punch her in the face, I would spray her with a whole bottle of axe spray that way everyone would think she was a freak and random mobs of girls would attack her and rip her clothes off like in the commercials.
Back to the subject, Blair and i will be renting a small country in central america. The bad economy is very unfortunate but great for purchasing timeshares from governments. We were going to go to Texas but then I remembered that it wasn't in central america but just looked like it because it bordered Mexico. Instead we will be traveling to Costa Rica. I will make sure to blog every five minutes while we are there because I plan on paying a local kid to follow me around and type out every word I speak. This will almost be like mind blogging which was something that I patented a couple of years ago and plan to enforce my patent if ever challenged. The reason I mention all this is because it is 6 months before you will need to be fluent in Costa Rican. Thats what the kid that I am paying speaks and more importantly types. It will also be what the monkey I steal will most likely type. This is an important detail because the monkey will be writing my blogs as soon as we get back.
Example monkey blog:
Inner voice imagines strong mexican accent like the Jalapeno on a stick.
"Man, what a long day. I rode Roxie, Matt and Blair's Lab mix, around the house all day like a Vaquero. And then when my master gets home he makes me type these stupid blogs. He then mocks me like I am a gorilla by scratching his armpits and dancing around with high knees. After that he takes two bananas, peels them, hands me one, and cheers them like they were late night alcohol caps. I am then dressed in my one piece pajamas with footies and a button up butt flap and Matt tucks me into a empty tissue box in his half opened sock drawer. I guess life isn't so bad but I plan to run away to Omaha,Nebraska where I hear it is extremely lame."
Thats all folks.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
First Stalkers
For those faithful followers (meaning those who have read both posts), you may have noticed I didn't blog yesterday. I know that probably made your case of the Mondays even worse. I apologize but I am not a machine. The last thing we all need is me coming down with a case of carpal tunnel syndrome. But in all honesty, I didn't blog yesterday because when I checked my bank account I did not see any deposits. I guess none of you sent your checks to pay for your subscriptions. I will continue to blog but FYI, I expect those by the end of next week. Entertainment isn't free and neither is the crap that I spit out.
"The internet killed the movie,tv, and radio star"
Today I tasted the dark side of stardom. I had a feeling that I might end up like Chris Crocker or Tila Tequila (you know, extremely famous and classy at the same time. I also figured VH1 would be calling me to do a dating show where I made out with lesbians while wearing a bikini but I had already decided to turn that one down. Not due to moral high ground but figured I could make more money if I premeried on the silver screen over cable television.) But I had no idea I would reach celebrity status after 2 posts. I have shocked myself. You are probably asking, "Matt, how do you know you are so famous other than your celebrity good looks and your beautiful fiance that belongs on the red carpet?" The answer, I have a stalker (I really wanted to say I saw myself on TMZ). My stalker decided to try to become me today. That is right, I experienced identity theft for the first time in my life. I did what any other celebrity would do in this situation, called my agent . And by agent I mean my credit card company. After practicing my dance moves to their awesome elevator music for 10 minutes, I had the joy of hearing about all the gifts my stalker had bought me. He went all out by spending ~$200 in small <$5 purchases in probably 8 states. I don't know when I will recieve my gifts but I am recieving a new card in the mail in 7 days. This scares me because I now know I can't just go out and eat whenever I want. I can't just go to the grocery store and act like a normal person. I have a stalker and will probably have to check into getting a body guard. For those sane fans/followers that are reading this post, I have a request. If I don't post for 4-5 days, please call, or email, or facebook check on me. I could very well be kidnapped or worse, I could just be lazy and realized I don't have any stalkers (Most likely the first option).
Now you know the rest of the story.
"The internet killed the movie,tv, and radio star"
Today I tasted the dark side of stardom. I had a feeling that I might end up like Chris Crocker or Tila Tequila (you know, extremely famous and classy at the same time. I also figured VH1 would be calling me to do a dating show where I made out with lesbians while wearing a bikini but I had already decided to turn that one down. Not due to moral high ground but figured I could make more money if I premeried on the silver screen over cable television.) But I had no idea I would reach celebrity status after 2 posts. I have shocked myself. You are probably asking, "Matt, how do you know you are so famous other than your celebrity good looks and your beautiful fiance that belongs on the red carpet?" The answer, I have a stalker (I really wanted to say I saw myself on TMZ). My stalker decided to try to become me today. That is right, I experienced identity theft for the first time in my life. I did what any other celebrity would do in this situation, called my agent . And by agent I mean my credit card company. After practicing my dance moves to their awesome elevator music for 10 minutes, I had the joy of hearing about all the gifts my stalker had bought me. He went all out by spending ~$200 in small <$5 purchases in probably 8 states. I don't know when I will recieve my gifts but I am recieving a new card in the mail in 7 days. This scares me because I now know I can't just go out and eat whenever I want. I can't just go to the grocery store and act like a normal person. I have a stalker and will probably have to check into getting a body guard. For those sane fans/followers that are reading this post, I have a request. If I don't post for 4-5 days, please call, or email, or facebook check on me. I could very well be kidnapped or worse, I could just be lazy and realized I don't have any stalkers (Most likely the first option).
Now you know the rest of the story.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Son of a Beach
First off, we must acknowledge my incredible creativity to be the first person to use the play on words "Son of a Beach". Genius! I can't believe no one else has ever thought of this. I must be blowing your mind. Now that you have probably recovered from that moment of awe let me apologize for the personal bragging that I may do in my posts. I look up to myself so I have to build myself up to be a better person than I am. To the meat of this thing:
Today I was blessed to be invited to the beach by some coworkers. I am blessed because I live 5 minutes from the beach and I finally had something to do other than sit on my couch and watch sports on TV (ironic side note, I am now back home laying on my couch and watching NBA playoffs). While we were at the beach a group of drunk people stretched out a large roll of plastic and created a slip-n-slide into the ocean. This quickly turned into the main entertainment on the beach. As we and 50 other beach goers gathered around, the limelight caused the slip-n-sliders to step up their game. We now had a human bowling lane with audience gutters and it wasn't long before people were the pins at the end of the lane. Drunk people should not be running down slippery surfaces. Girls were falling left and right. Guys who were made of nothing but muscle were riding other muscle-heads like surfboards (this was by far the most applauded move). Every once and a while people would forget that when they slid in large groups that they all ended up slamming into each other at the other end. This created one of those moments that you knew someone was going to get hurt but you couldn't look away. That brings us to the last slider. A young guy that seemed to be too drunk to walk decided to run instead. As he went into the classic rocker slide both his knees dug into the sand below causing his forward moment to shift into a full out face plant. After the intial gasp from the crowd there was relief as we realized he was too drunk to get hurt. That relief turned into laughter as he fell in the following two attempts to get up. The laughes were probably encouraged due to the fall exposing his bare butt smiling to the crowd. This was the straw that broke the lifeguards back, he finally broke out of his amazed spectator position and realized it was his job to break this event up.
What did this teach me today:
1)People love to watch other people get hurt as long as it isn't permanent damage. It's like the classic "America's Funniest Home Videos" where dad always gets hit in the crotch. A classic laugh each time as long as you aren't that dad.
2)Drunk people have an amazing ability to sacrifice bodily harm to avoid spilling a classic american beer or drop a classy cigarette. Even the guy who's extreme face plant ended the cirque du soleil of drunks had his beer and cigerrete intact when he finally recovered from his total of 3 falls.
Today I was blessed to be invited to the beach by some coworkers. I am blessed because I live 5 minutes from the beach and I finally had something to do other than sit on my couch and watch sports on TV (ironic side note, I am now back home laying on my couch and watching NBA playoffs). While we were at the beach a group of drunk people stretched out a large roll of plastic and created a slip-n-slide into the ocean. This quickly turned into the main entertainment on the beach. As we and 50 other beach goers gathered around, the limelight caused the slip-n-sliders to step up their game. We now had a human bowling lane with audience gutters and it wasn't long before people were the pins at the end of the lane. Drunk people should not be running down slippery surfaces. Girls were falling left and right. Guys who were made of nothing but muscle were riding other muscle-heads like surfboards (this was by far the most applauded move). Every once and a while people would forget that when they slid in large groups that they all ended up slamming into each other at the other end. This created one of those moments that you knew someone was going to get hurt but you couldn't look away. That brings us to the last slider. A young guy that seemed to be too drunk to walk decided to run instead. As he went into the classic rocker slide both his knees dug into the sand below causing his forward moment to shift into a full out face plant. After the intial gasp from the crowd there was relief as we realized he was too drunk to get hurt. That relief turned into laughter as he fell in the following two attempts to get up. The laughes were probably encouraged due to the fall exposing his bare butt smiling to the crowd. This was the straw that broke the lifeguards back, he finally broke out of his amazed spectator position and realized it was his job to break this event up.
What did this teach me today:
1)People love to watch other people get hurt as long as it isn't permanent damage. It's like the classic "America's Funniest Home Videos" where dad always gets hit in the crotch. A classic laugh each time as long as you aren't that dad.
2)Drunk people have an amazing ability to sacrifice bodily harm to avoid spilling a classic american beer or drop a classy cigarette. Even the guy who's extreme face plant ended the cirque du soleil of drunks had his beer and cigerrete intact when he finally recovered from his total of 3 falls.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Blogging Virgin
So this is my first post and many old friends and some creepy old perverts searching for "To Catch A Predator" chat sites will probably read this and ask themselves "Why do I always surf the internet without pants on?". And then they will ask "Why should I follow Matt Wade's blog?". The answer is because if I commit to this thing it will soon become your dirty little sin. You will run home from work not wondering who poked you on Facebook but rather did Matt skip work faking a death in the family so that he could blog on company bereavement pay. And the answer will most likely be no. He blogged from work on his iPhone because then he can fake a family death for something more meaningful like 1/2 priced wings day at Hooters. So although I can't promise you that I am going to blog everyday or even once a year, I can promise you that when I do it will blow your mind, like the time you realized Bruce Willis was dead the whole movie of Sixth Sense, or that the little girl in Signs had a thing about drinking water for a reason, or that time that the you realized all those people lived in a reserve and faked the monsters to keep their kids at home, or that time that the trees were killing the people because they were jealous that we could talk and walk around and they have to just sit there in the ground and make oxygen for us. And then after they do that we will probably cut them up into paper to print Matt's blog on because you want to fold it up and place it in your shirt pocket close to your heart like soldiers do with their letters to loved ones. But if you can take one thing away from this first blog it should be that I will never spend money to go see another M. Night Shyamalan movie in theaters because they always throw me out for not having pants on. And thats your twist in this story. Good day
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