Embarrassment is 4ft tall and 76 yrs old

This weekend is my long weekend. This is by far one of the greatest details of my job. I get every other Friday off. The only curse is now a regular weekend feels too short but I can deal with this problem. Yesterday I used my day off to go to the doctor. I needed to go get checked out for a hernia (had been working out a couple weeks ago and heard a pop, oops). So I am sitting there and the Doctor walks in. He starts asking whats wrong and I explain my situation. He then starts asking a lot of health history questions. It slowly turns from family history to personal questions (which understandably are important but funny to answer).
Doc-"Have you ever had any STD's"
Me-"Ya"
Doc-"What was it"
Me-"Your Mother gave me Gonorrhea! Ooooo, you just got faced" As I place my palm towards my face then shove it into his face to symbolize the "you got faced" insult.
This was hilarious because me and my doc go way back (this was the first time I have ever met this doctor).
After the check-up I was diagnosed with 2 small hernias but told not to worry and live my life like usual.

TV transition where picture waves like a pepple dropped into a pond and harp music plays

DAY OF THE RACE
Today I ran a 5k. For those of you not familiar with this distance it is like 3 times longer than a 1/2 marathon. I was a little worried about how I would perform due to my recently diagnosed hernias. I have been taking it easy the last couple weeks concerned that I would hurt myself (good excuse to be lazy). I woke up ready to go at 6:30AM. Then I hit the snooze and woke up late at 7AM. Race started at 8AM. I got up, ate breakfast and was out the door. Made it downtown with time to spare. Did my warm up and got loose. To my amazement 1500 people had shown up to watch me run as well (some of these people decided to run ahead of me so that they would be able to watch me cross the finish line). I lined up under the 8 min mile mark because last 5k I ran ~24:30, with foresight I would have started with the walkers. Some genius decided that the race should go across the intercoastal waterway up a very large bridge and then as soon as we crossed the bridge, turn around and torture ourselves some more. I believe this person was either drunk when they designed this race course or is some one who hates people that participate in these events. The first mile went well. I was passing people but well behind pace for another 24 minute finish. This was OK because I was running up hill this time so I justified it and pushed on. The first mile was completed at the top of the first crossing of the bridge. Mentally I felt like I was halfway there. I continued a decent pace to the bottom of the bridge and grabbed some water at the turn. I believe there was a little bit of concrete and horse tranquilizers mixed into that water because as soon as I made the turn and headed back up the bridge for the last climb I hit a wall. Here is when the embarrassment started. Those of you familiar with the area I live in would know that there is a large retired population. This factors in because that means there are several grandparents running in this race. As I crawl up the bridge I get passed by a senior citizen group. I thought about faking a cramp and falling into them to slow them down but realized this could break 2-3 hips which would really make things worse if they still beat me.


The next noticeable person that passed me had his ipod blasting so loud I could make out what he was listening to - "Mission Impossible" Theme song. I actually laughed out loud at this point because not only was I experiencing mission impossible but I thought this wasn't the best choice of motivational music. I did make a mental note to bring music next time. Something like "Eye of the Tiger" or a classic motivational song like "You're Unstoppable" that gets me so pumped I could run through walls. I hear this is what Auburn blasts in the locker room before games. Please note the awesome American Idol and America's Best Dance Crew pictures incorporated in the following video. I agree with the creator of this video. Those accomplishments are just as great as a couple of the other people pictured (winning 6 NBA championships or winning the most gold medals in a single Olympic Games, the best golfer in history, fastest man alive). Also, there is nothing as unstoppable as 2 giant dolphins swimming around the Earth in outer space(1:46).



After realizing I was handicapped by not having music, having hernias, and being demoralized by old people, I pulled everything together and gave it my all one last time. With the finish line in sight and feeling good I felt like nothing could stand in my way. Then a pack of ~10 year old kids all 4ft or shorter come sprinting by me (at this point anything was a sprint). I had once again been broken down mentally and been humbled about my age. I will no longer be that guy that old and young wish they could be. I am that guy with the cramp in the middle of the pack running with all the adults that don't realize their shorts are way too short or tight. Its OK. When i finally finished in 28:45 I made sure to catch up with those kids and brag about the free beer I was given for completing the race. That's right. They had bottles of water, fruit, and tapped kegs at the finish line. Nothing like running 3 miles then cracking open a beer at 8:30 in the morning. On an up note, I finished 21st in my age group. I don't know how many people competed in my age group but that means I was a top 25 finisher which is respectable even if there were only 21 people entered.

I will finish by proving that blogging about something doesn't make it yours, true, or that you invented it. For finishing 21st in my group I was awarded abunchtrillion dollars. They said it would be deposited in my bank account when business opens on Monday.