Wow, where do I begin. It has been like 2 weeks. Lets start with how popular I am.
I am so popular I now have 2 stalkers. That's right my fan club of identity thieves has grown to 2. Monday (5/4/2009, my fiancee's birthday) I received a call from a 1-877 number. When I returned the call the lady told me that she had more information about the government grants that I signed up for on the Internet. I told her, no she didn't and told her to shove it. I don't want your deutsche markies. Blair and I then googled the number and found a word for word account of the conversation I had with the lady and description of how it was a scam. (Is googled not in the dictionary yet? I thought they added that but spell check thinks not. I know impetrable is. Impetrable is when something can't penetrate something else. I am impetrable and unpressable.) After realizing that I trying to be scammed I wanted to check my credit cards prior to going out to dinner for Blair's bday. That's when I found a match.com charge on my account. Although I know match.com wants me to join, this had not been authorized by me. I called the credit card company and found out that they had also tried to charge $250 in flowers multiple times as well as Yahoo Personal charges. These people needed some loving or I have a girlfriend on the side that I couldn't tell Blair about on her birthday. I am going with the first option since Blair follows my blog. I closed the account and then sent the fan an autographed photo of my pet monkey (I couldn't wait till Costa Rica. After blogging about my monkey I had to find one on eBay and he arrived in a shoebox with holes punched in it yesterday).
Gifts:
Without switching subjects, how great I am, lets move to the gifts I have been showered with. As you all know, I was originally given a teeth whitening kit. Then later that week I received my second gift. My second gift was a bottle of weight loss pills. This is when I knew I had gone Hollywood. My fans needed me to have perfect teeth and wanted me to be really skinny. I imagine I will look a little like the Olsen twins before the wedding.
If my fans send me more pills I will shoot for the Ally McBeal look.
I then received a third gift, an eBay home business CD. It is clear that my fans want me to free myself from my 8-5 that way I can commit more to my blog. This is understandable. How can I get that skinny if I am not throwing up, working out, throwing up, then blogging about how fat I am. They have my best interest in mind.
Engagement Pictures:
I know most of you read my last post and said "Engagement pictures! I hope Matt makes a calendar!!!". I hate to disappoint so I just may have to make a calendar that would be on sale for 76 easy payments of $76. Previews later if I get bored.
In response to Eric's comment- No we didn't take pictures at the petting zoo although I agree. That would be a great location. Where else could you get a kiss on both cheeks. One from your Lover (said like Will Ferrell from SNL skit where he makes out with lady all the time) and a goat on the other cheek. Since this suggestion was not made prior to our engagement pictures we took our pictures at the only logical place when living on the coast, the strip club. Blair got some gorgeous pictures hanging upside down on the pole and I was working it with my spin moves. I have been going to the stripper workout classes at the gym. I am the only guy there but I fit in because we are all wearing women's lingerie (Matt whispers in your ear, "thongs"). Of course we know that is not true except for the workout classes. We really took pictures on the beach and I was very Fabioish. Except for all the hair and muscles. I am sure you will see some of them when they leak on TMZ.
To end today I leave you with some music,
This is a song that I considered for Blair's and my first dance for a while. We chose a great more upbeat song instead. But this is a Ben Harper tribute since I love him and he recently played a free concert in Auburn. Everyone I knew that is still in Auburn went to the concert, oh wait, no they didn't and I will never let them live it down. But they had really good excuses, oh wait, no they didn't. They had really really really really really lame excuses. I wanted to continue to type really but I am hungry and I am going to eat dinner. Good day .
For those not interested in the above song, here is a Beatles' cover. I just realized how similar this sounds to the Across the Universe version. Great movie. Might watch that this weekend.
Posts
Dear Matt,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are still receiving my gifts. I hope that you continue to find them useful in your new life in Florida.
Your stalker,
Miriam
1) Why does the Chihuahua have on a backpack?
ReplyDelete2) I'm going to send you a lifetime supply of Crisco, which I will expect to be eaten right from the container at least 4 times a day. I like fat celebrities better.
3) I'm going to need to see those strip club pictures.
4) Nickel Creek is the only decent band to dance to at weddings. I'm expecting at least one NC song.
Good day!
best intro to a post ever.
ReplyDeleteTHIS post kept my attention and entertained me much more. i love the reference to the will ferrell/rachel dratch skit.
deutche markies, haha.
ReplyDeleteand yes, my excuse as to why i didn't go to Ben Harper was lame. but I got to see his travel bus, and that counts for something.
but, im going to china, so i can say that i was trying to save money. but then again, the concert was free. so still lame. but i'm still going to china, and thats awesome.
end.